3.6.21 I'm angry all the time. I'm angry at the smallest things. A friend thought something my sister posted on Instagram about my niece's poo was 'disturbing' and I want to say to her 'get over it, stop being so stuck up and fancy and see the f***ing joke'.

Plaster your troubles away; it is really simple.

Fix it, ready mix it, answer adoption, foster care, or surrogacy.

Oh well, the IVF didn't resolve it, so to dissolve those emotions, there is always another way.

Business as usual is a string of the day-to-day. But the river flows of grief and pain. Squeezing the soul, the eyes, and the inside out but the slogan is business as usual. A star in the sky has now become a point of what was lost and is lost but for you disenfranchised.

Just because I can’t create, make or bake the bun in my oven, it doesn’t mean I’m not one of you, I hold and share tears of what could have been, how old they would have been, and what might have been?

How do I explain what my life is like to this man, with his nails half-painted (a lovely detail; I will steal it for a character later)?  His pen scratches after my most key statements, his wrists jangling with mala beads.

I don’t want to be writing this now.  It is 2:53am and again I cannot sleep, but I finally seem to have stopped crying for now, so I have to write this to try to get some peace as I have to vocalise how I feel, even if no-one ever reads it. 

My journey to the childless life is quite different from most and often leaves me wondering, “Am I an imposter amongst the childless not by choice community?’

My Story: First becoming a Doula, then starting the second only (at that time) prison-based Doula program in the Country, then two miscarriages in one year; to finding myself being childless NOT by choice, and now coming full circle with building my organization for justice-involved pregnant and parenting women to become future Doulas, has truly been a journey through my passion, my purpose, my pain, and my hope.

This poem is a reflection on my mother's and my story, and the shame attached to, in her case having a child and in mine not doing so.

Amidst the shadows of loss and pain

Lost in the shadows, to these burdens we bear

Hello, my name is Juliandra and I'm almost 34 years old, married to my husband for 4 years, and we are childless not by choice.

For all the tears that have fallen

And all those yet to come

My experience growing up shaped my beliefs about family and I believe contributed to my ambivalence about having children.

This is who I wanted to be

A singing mother of two or three…

I look up to the stars

To find solace in my dreams

Forms. I was raised on a series of forms defined as my parents did their best to teach me how to live for God, be a productive member of society, find a way to help others.

As I infiltrated behind enemy lines in the early pregnancy ward, surrounded by tired women of all ages, I looked perfectly in place.

Our second miscarriage floored me. Caught up in the excitement of sore boobs, relentless peeing and nausea, then a painful sharp twist in my abdomen and I just knew that was my future disconnecting from me.

Today was Mother’s Day.

You feel so close, but are so far away.

Childlessness is on the riseamong Americans, some by choice, some not.

My gut knew that I wanted to be a mother. Society knew that I needed a husband first. So, I was chasing a husband first.

There are apparently three metrics to a healthy sperm sample: volume, motility, and morphology.

In another life...

we will be together

It was Saturday and I had been at the church hall with friends, setting up for an event.

My journey is too long for me to share all of it right now, but I want to make a submission for World Childless Week. Tomorrow I am having surgery to remove my ovaries.

Your child is funny

How cute it is when it says words

So, I’m childless. That doesn’t make me odd or different to you with the children. 

This essay explores the multifaceted challenges faced by childless women, particularly those who have experienced the profound loss of a child.

When I first started having periods at 11 years old, they were heavy and traumatic.

I am a pianist, composer, and singer/songwriter from Northumberland, UK. I lived with epilepsy for many years, and this was one of the factors which led to me not becoming the father I always so wanted to be.

Given the chance, I would have been a different kind of mother.

Its been asked of me to learn how to live happy without children. Some people don’t understand why childlessness affects me so much & why I let it bother me.

What should I do with all this stuff?

What should I do with all these ultrasound photos?

Naturopaths took my money. Then they disappeared.

Reproductive endocrinologists took my money. Then they disappeared.

The first time I miscarried, I did not have much fear for the first appointment.

I had no warning signs of any problems.

It started showing up when I was 14 years old.  For 35 years it has been there. 

My story, our story…this story…it seems to be one where however much I think I’ve closed a chapter on it, however much I think, and feel, I’ve reached a point of closure, that I’ve come to this story’s end, time, life, in its many unexpected ways, rears to stop me in my tracks.

Trying for a baby is not something you usually do weeks into a relationship, but my partner and I met late in life.

I had always wanted to be a mother. As a teenager, I babysat and volunteered at children’s groups, doing crafts and drama. I wanted to get married first and settle down.

Do you have children?

No

Eight years ago, I was slowly beginning to realize that my wish for a family and children would not come true anymore.

Those of us without children know that the difference between being childless not by choice, or childfree – choosing not to have children – is not a bright, clear line.

Dear God,
I am writing this letter to kindly ask for your forgiveness.

I find the concept of emotional (or inner) seasons meaningful. As a metaphor, they gently remind me that both the good and the bad naturally ebb and flow, so even in the darkest of winters, spring will eventually come.

One early morning, years ago, I joined a line of women waiting to have a blood test at a fertility clinic.

Why don’t you have kids?          

That is an extremely personal question and it’s none of your business.

Sitting on a porch with my book and an ocean view.

I find myself in my sweet spot.

I want to tell you about my aunt Ellen. She never had a child, never planned to.

I’m playing a fun word-based game with some friends and we’re having an amazing time.

The context: Beach off the coast of north-east England, where I swim in the sea regularly. A jolly little group: mostly older women, and some particular men.

Note: this is a summary version of a monologue that will at some point be performed on stage. Meanwhile, I’ve surprised myself by being able to abbreviate it!

I created this highly emotive personal grief piece using oil pastels on sugar paper in one long two-day sleepless session, at the peak of menstrual hormonal distress.

For me December 2009 turning 30 was a big thing, not sure why but it was a milestone I did not want to achieve, so to get through this, I needed to live my life, the only way I knew how..

As an Australian photographer my current and ongoing project is a very silent and personal journey into grief/loss for a child that never happened..

I had those ambitions to whisper

 to my baby

I've realised that the story of my childlessness began way before I was aware of what had happened.