Emily in Colorado, USA
What should I do with all this stuff?
What should I do with all these ultrasound photos?
I took them off the fridge once I lost the pregnancies, and they live in a box under the bed.
What should I do with my childhood treasures I was saving to pass to my future children?
American Girl Doll collection, Polly Pockets, My Littlest Pet Shop.
What should I do with the onesie in the box under my bed?
It says “Our next big adventure” - eye roll, sigh.
What should I do with those maternity jogger pants I bought in excitement?
Why did I even buy them before having a bump?
What will happen to my childhood teddy, Boo-Boo, when I die?
Will my beautiful old blue bear end up in a landfill?
Who will be there?
Who will be looking out for me when I’m 80?
Will I be all alone? Will anyone notice me?
Do they even notice me now?
Who will take in my beloved cats and treat them the way I do, if/when I die?
The idea of them being forgotten or in a shelter cripples me with anxiety.
What will life look like?
What will life look like in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 20 years? 30 years?
Should I move internationally? Should I move to the Caribbean?
What should I do every weekend?
How will I pass the time without a family of my own to surround me?
I had anticipated being a caretaker.
A soccer mom, possibly.
I do have so many hobbies, but they only fill up so much time.
Why?
Why do I miscarry? Why do their heartbeats stop so suddenly?
Was it something I did in my past? Something I do now?
Do I exercise enough? Or too much?
Do I eat healthy enough?
Is something wrong with my body?
Or is it some other cause and I’m totally fine?
Is it my age?
If I had tried younger, would I have succeeded?
Why does it seem so simple for so many others?
What if?
What if I tried one more time? Would that pregnancy survive?
I cannot try one more time, but I still wonder.
What if I found a surrogate? Would I be happy in a few years with a baby?
I do not want this path, but I still wonder.
What if I adopted? Would I be happy in a few years with a baby?
I do not want this path, but I still wonder.
What if one of my pregnancies had survived?
If my first survived, I’d have a 2 year old - Aspen
If my second survived, I’d have a 1.5 year old - Loxley
If my third survived, I’d have a 7 month old - River
If my fourth survived, I’d be due this October - Ash
Would I have felt the belly kicks? Would I have worn cute maternity dresses?
What do people think?
Do people pity me?
Do people tip toe around me?
Do people blame me?
I fear conspiracies like “She drank so much in college!” or “She got vaccinated!”
Will I ever?
Will I ever be able to be around babies again?
Will I ever be able to have strong relationships with parent-friends again?
Will I ever not be sad?
Will I ever not feel exhausted?
Will I ever enjoy a birthday again?
Will I ever enjoy sex and intimacy again?
Will I ever not feel lonely?
Will I ever love myself again?
