Juliandra Waid

Hello, my name is Juliandra and I'm almost 34 years old, married to my husband for 4 years, and we are childless not by choice. I had one loss early on in our marriage in August of 2020 and have never been able to conceive again, even after 6+ months of trying with zero birth control. We stopped trying due to my chronic, extremely painful Endometriosis symptoms, and I had to go back on long term birth control to manage those symptoms.

I am Disabled, on an SSI Disability fixed income, and have several chronic issues. I am afraid of passing my issues on to any potential future children, as unlikely as that is due to infertility. Having a child would be incredibly difficult for me to handle physically and emotionally, but all of those facts aren't enough to fill this deep void inside where I know a child should be.

I tried to convince myself that this is the life that I wanted, I even convinced myself that I didn't like kids when I was younger. But then I got older and I got married, and when that happens something inside of you changes. Something triggers inside of you to want to create life, to start a family with the person you love. I wonder what a child with my husband's eyes and my hair would look like, if we would have a boy or girl, what we would name our child, and who they would grow up to be. Society also has an expectation that once a couple is married, surely children will come very soon after.

My husband and I have discussed it several times and we both say that we're ok being CNBC, but I know that I'm lying, and I fear my husband is as well but he doesn't want to hurt me, so he won't say it. We aren't sure entirely why we are CNBC. We don't have the finances to do IVF or IUI, or any other kinds of fertility tests.

I've had several mothers tell me that if I really wanted children that bad, I would find a way to make it happen. It's like they think I can wave a magic wand and change my life circumstances to be perfect for conceiving or affording fertility treatments. I don't have rich family to borrow from, or even well-off family. I don't have the credit score for loans, and I'm on a fixed income so they wouldn't approve me anyway. Some people aren't ever able to 'find a way' and it's incredibly hurtful to basically be told, "You're just not trying hard enough," when all you can do is try.

There is a distinct lack of vision when I picture our future, our legacy, what we'll leave behind in this world when we're no longer a part of it. I feel like I'll be forgotten about, not remembered for long after my passing, and no one to mourn me or handle my affairs once I am gone. We will have no one to help care for us in old age, we will never be called "Grandma and Grandpa", we will never attend a graduation, we will never have anything to point at and say, "Look at them, I made them. They're an amazing person, and I helped bring them into the world." We will have nothing left of us but belongings with nowhere to go, debt that will never be paid, and the dust of our remains. There is such a massive feeling of grief surrounding this that I cannot even articulate it.

I am not physically capable of carrying a natural child without surgical intervention to my pelvic floor, and I would be on bed rest for the entire pregnancy due to severe lumbar spine injuries, including one spine surgery. I would have to come off of ALL of my medications because none of them are safe for a fetus, but that would then put my health in extreme danger due to heart conditions, mental health, neurological dysfunction, chronic extreme pain, and excess weight gain (from bed rest/lack of exercise during pregnancy.) These are confirmed facts I have been told by my primary care provider, my metabolic clinic provider, my psychiatrist, an OB/GYN, and an Endometriosis specialist who focuses on fertility.

It would cost tens of thousands of dollars and be a miracle if I were to ever successfully conceive, carry, and birth a healthy baby. There are SO many risk factors for people without fertility issues and chronic illnesses when it comes to pregnancy, and adding my medical history on top makes it pretty much impossible without winning the lottery and a miracle truly happening.

Being CNBC has negatively impacted my life for several years, especially since I got married in February of 2020. I am still very triggered by seeing friends post pregnancy announcements, ultrasound pictures, pictures of their babies/kids, pictures of holiday/family get togethers with a bunch of kids playing together, family portraits, baby bumps, and maternity photoshoots. As much as I try to convince myself that my life will be of better quality without a child, I still cannot let go of this unending grief that will follow me for the rest of my days.

I am a mother, but I do not have a child and that is not by choice. And it Hurts. So. Bad.