Alma

Eight years ago, I was slowly beginning to realize that my wish for a family and children would not come true anymore. What I hadn’t even dared or allowed myself to formulate in my mind, I then started to articulate vis-à-vis my doctor, selected (mostly childfree) friends and family.

I began to read books, attend workshops, found out that there is a like-minded crowd out there. I focused on work – possibly too much. I had thought, I’d come to terms with it – “it” being a woman without children.

Yet, recently and maybe also triggered by the unexpected death of my own mother, the issue has become more acute again. Also, as yet another bunch of young colleagues have married and have become parents. Friend’s children have entered kindergarden, school or university or are doing their gap university exchange year. Still others have become grandparents.

Such occasions make me realize that being childfree is still an issue for me, I don’t seem to have fully integrated … and possibly never will. Of course it does not define me as person, but it will always be part of my story.

And so this unlived part of my life is currently hurting me quite a bit again … it feels a bit like two steps forward, four steps back…