Ruth Guest

Do you have children?
No
No, I don’t. Not in this life
It wasn’t to be. Never to be.
The answer is awkward, inconvenient
Whatever I say. Whatever I don’t say.

Do you have children?
No
Endless temperature charts and fertile windows
Negative tests, futile cycles
Then finally two lines. Our wish realised.
A child. A due date. A future to plan.

Do you have children?
No
There was bleeding, despair and anguish
Scanning, waiting, rescanning, silence
Kind words and the pitying head tilt
The worst reality had now arrived

Do you have children?
No
A ward, wrist band, gown and theatre list
Tears going under, tears as woken up
In between the final passing away
Unimaginable, unending, emptiness

Do you have children?
No
Clinic appointments, blood tests, drugs
More cycles, more tests, relentless failure
Savage hope creeping around incessant defeats
On and on and on and on. And on.
Do you have children?
No
To IVF or not IVF?
Odds so vast they were out of sight
We deliberated, cogitated then stopped.
We were now in an inconceivable abyss

Do you have children?
No
No first day at school. No birthday parties.
No mothers’ day. No fathers’ day.
No teenagers. No grandchildren.
Out of place now, out of step. Othered

Do you have children?
No
We didn’t choose this.We were given this to bear.
Dealt now with an unwanted hand,
We are now the last generation of us
The very ends of our line.

Do you have children?
No
Ask me anything else in this life
Thisquestion is steeped in such torment
Find more ingenious small talk, please
Do you have children?
Do not ask me to explain this.
Do. Not. Ask.