Sandra McNicol
Written in June 2022 (almost 3 years after becoming permanently childless)
I find the concept of emotional (or inner) seasons meaningful. As a metaphor, they gently remind me that both the good and the bad naturally ebb and flow, so even in the darkest of winters, spring will eventually come. They also teach me that life is cyclical, and when I find myself back in grief, it's not a setback—it's simply another turn of the seasons, bringing me to a deeper layer of healing.
If I put on my "should be" demanding hat, I’d wish to be in summer—feeling alive, vibrant, and full of confidence. But that "should be" hat doesn't allow me to be honest with myself, nor does it offer what I truly need in this emotional season—the one I’m actually living in.
Reflecting on my inner seasons, I've spent the last 5 years in "inner autumn and winter." I’ve been deconstructing my motherhood story, mourning the loss of my babies and the dream of biological motherhood. I’ve been swinging between avoidance, waves of anger and frustration, followed by emotional breakdowns. I’ve hidden from the world, sought to regain energy, and turned inward, trying to figure out who I was amidst feeling so utterly empty and lost.
Yet, even in those dark times, there was a will to live. I yearned for a fulfilling life, though I didn’t know how to reach it or even what it looked like. (And yes, if I could have taken a magic pill to skip autumn and winter and live in summer, I would have taken it without hesitation.)
But with the help of therapists, coaches, countless training courses, and this wonderful community—I didn’t realize it then—but during that long, dark winter, all that hard, painful grief work was actually planting and strengthening my roots. I was resting the ground of my soul, pulling up the weeds that no longer served me. In hindsight, I see how I learned to process and release my emotions in healthy ways, to honor my many losses, and to cultivate compassion for myself and others.
It was a slow journey, filled with hard truths and no shortcuts...
Then, one day in the summer of 2021, I noticed the first tiny green shoot, and it whispered to me that I could be childless and have a fulfilling life. Some days my confidence returned, and other days fear took its place. But little by little, I found my way back to peace, remembering the many fun and beautiful things in life, and allowing myself the freedom to embrace them. Of course, life is still life—triggers and challenges remain, and some days I crawl back into bed and hide. But on other days, I feel stronger, more capable of facing whatever comes my way. Spring is in the air—it hasn’t fully arrived yet, and some days it feels like I’m living all four seasons at once. But I can see now that even in the deepest darkness of winter, not everything died. I was preparing myself for this next chapter, learning how to be childless and still fabulous! And some days, being fabulous means curling up under a blanket with a hot drink and letting the late winter storm pass…
Childless.Life: Zoom Support/Grief Groups & 121 (US, UK, EU, Australia)
Sandra is the founder of Childless.Life, an ICF Coach, holding a Master's in the Psychology of Coaching, and a Postgraduate in Grief Therapy. She is also permanently childless, not by choice. She has been working in the childless community since 2020. She provides 1:1 grief therapy, runs healing horseshoes (grief circles with ceremonies and workshops), and helps women find new purpose and fulfilment in her "Embracing Us" CNBC support circle. She also has a free Facebook Private Group. Reach out, you don’t need to do this alone.