Stacie Smith
My journey to the childless life is quite different from most and often leaves me wondering, “Am I an imposter amongst the childless not by choice community?’
I always knew that I wanted to have children. There was never a question in my mind that I wouldn’t have children. My first husband, however, did not want children. We never really had a serious conversation about it. I assumed he would change his mind once we were married, and he assumed I was ok with not having children. We married anyway. I should note, this marriage was extremely unhealthy, toxic and abusive. After several years of marriage and a short separation, my husband told me he did want to try and have children with me. I was overfilled with joy!
At a routine doctor visit during this time, I mentioned to my doctor that my husband and I were trying to have a baby. I was 34 years old. The doctor asked me some questions, then gently said, “Honey, if you have never used protection (with your husband) and you’ve not gotten pregnant by now, there may be an issue. You need to see an OB/GYN.” I was a little shocked. I mean, I knew some people struggled with infertility, but I had never tried to have a child, so how could there be an issue with me? I went to see the OB/GYN as she had recommended. The doctor did a physical exam and proclaimed, “There is no physical reason why you should not get pregnant!” In my mind, this was great! The doctor did bloodwork and found I was not ovulating, so she prescribed me Clomid. Clomid is a medication to stimulate ovulation. I went back for bloodwork and the doctor stated I had ovulated and gave me instructions to have sex between certain dates. I went home and excitedly relayed the news to my husband. Except, he wasn’t excited. And he flat out refused to have sex with me.
This went on for 4 months. The doctor prescribed Clomid, bloodwork revealed I had ovulated, I would be instructed to attempt to have sex between certain dates, and my husband would refuse. I eventually confronted him about it and he yelled. According to him, if we were going to have a child, it would be by the grace of God. He was not going to have sex on certain dates because a doctor told him to. We would have sex whenever he felt like it, and if it was God’s plan, I would get pregnant. If I didn’t get pregnant, then it wasn’t God’s plan. He also stated that he was not going to have a child with the assistance of fertility drugs because there was a chance we would have multiples and he absolutely refused to have more than one child or for me to get pregnant with a fertility drug. I was stunned, hurt, confused. I later came to the conclusion that it was never really his plan to have a child with me after all, and that his statement was more a tactic to get me to come back to the marriage and continue to exercise control of me. We remained married for another 4 years and the discussion of having a child never came up again.
After my first husband and I divorced, I found hope in the idea that I may be able to find love again and have a child. Even though I was now 38, I knew it could still be possible. I quickly did find love again and remarried. My new husband, however, had two adult children and a previous vasectomy. I was open with him from the beginning about wanting children. He was not closed off to the idea, but we knew it would be a longer, harder road for us given the situation. We looked into having a reversal, but given his age and the timeframe he had his vasectomy, we were informed it was likely not to be successful.
By this time, I was in my 40’s and my spouse 50. I knew my time was running out and I felt myself becoming more and more desperate. We looked into direct sperm extraction with IVF. This seemed like our best chance, however, not every fertility clinic is willing to work with women over 40. I did find some that would work with us, but the costs were just too high. We looked into financial assistance as there are opportunities out there, but they cut off the age limit at 40. We couldn’t afford to have the procedures done and no one was willing to help us financially. I did look into adoption, but it never felt like a right fit for me and my husband. My journey to motherhood had come to an end.
I never went through pregnancies with miscarriages, fertility treatments or IVF. I feel my journey ended before it ever even started. Which is why I sometimes feel like an imposter among the childless not by choice community. Many women have had round of IVF after round of IVF, miscarriages, and multiple failed attempts.
While my journey has not been the same, I know that it is not my choice to remain childless. Choices I’ve made, financial limitations, and circumstances beyond my control have all contributed to my childless life. I have experienced severe depression and pain watching family and friends celebrate birth after birth. I’ve felt loneliness and isolation among friends when they talk about their children, while feeling I have nothing to offer in this regard. I have come to accept my situation and childless life. I know I will never have a child of my own. Acceptance doesn’t mean it is easy. I still have hard days. But for the most part, I am learning to seek out things that bring my life joy despite not having a family of my own.
