Tavinder Kaur New

Just because I can’t create, make or bake the bun in my oven, it doesn’t mean I’m not one of you, I hold and share tears of what could have been, how old they would have been, and what might have been?

But you still ask me, impose, enquire why?

Didn’t you want to have a child?
Why couldn’t you have a child?
What are your next steps?

What I feel is the grief I want to say, what I exist is in grief I want to say, the pains of the past trials, failures, IVF, miscarriages, separation, and divorce.

What I feel is the grief I want to say, what I exist in is the grief I want to say, of the reality that the lineage dies with me, and there will be no one left to look after me when I am old.

But amongst all of this, I am invisible, left in the middle of conversations around labor, children, how difficult life is, and giving birth but what contribution can I give to this?

Life must be easy for you. Easy?! I wouldn’t want this easy, breezy lemon squeezy as you see it on anyone, I have been battered, bruised, and busted by the desire to have a child. I had to move on from it. I had simply no choice.

Just because I can’t create, make or bake the bun in my oven, it doesn’t mean I’m not one of you, I wanted one, I tried to do it several times, spent money, and traveled far and wide but life didn’t turn out that way for me.

So don’t probe, don’t ask, be kind, or don’t define me because I didn’t have a child.

I am still a woman. I’m still one of you.