Anonymous

First pregnancy
The first time I miscarried, I did not have much fear for the first appointment.
I had no warning signs of any problems.
I booked it on Valentine’s Day, thinking it would be a romantic hallmark moment.
The ultrasound tech was awkward from the beginning.
She made me insert the ultrasound wand myself, “like a tampon”, before she took it over.
She remained quiet.
She asked “you haven’t had any bleeding?”
My heart dropped.
“I am not seeing a heartbeat.”
I had no idea what happened next.
I had no idea how to tell people.
Second, Third, and Fourth pregnancy:
I felt crippling anxiety waiting for the appointment.
I texted anyone who would listen.
I tried to share the burden amongst people so I didn’t bring any one person down too much.
I felt a sinking feeling the morning of the appointments.
I felt nauseous walking into the doctor’s office.
I shared pleasantries with office and nursing staff to maintain social norms.
I peed before the transvaginal ultrasounds. Completely alone in the bathroom.
I went into the ultrasound rooms - my husband sits in the corner.
I took off my pants and sat on the table.
I covered my legs with the strange-feeling paper.
The ultrasound tech came in.
Sometimes they knew my story.
Sometimes they didn’t, and I explained the reasons for my tears.
They put the ultrasound wand inside me.
I hear the silence and I know.
I cry.
I go home.
I text friends and family and doctors. I have kept a list of who knows.
I schedule a D&C.
I take down the ultrasound photos from earlier appointments.
I delete the pregnancy apps from my phone.
I scenario plan the next one.
Repeat.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash