I would not be the kind, caring, compassionate, loving, aware and supportive wife, daughter or friend that I am today had I not been childless.

I live with a secret, that I don’t like to tell

The questioning hurts and I don’t always cope that well.

Life rarely looks like what I expected.

For example, I now find myself a caregiver in my sixties without (grand) children, a situation I did not anticipate.

Childlessness without choice

is a pain, like many other pains,

that is difficult to put into words.

I used to believe that grief had an ending.

What does moving forward mean? For a long time, I was asking myself that and I didn’t know an answer.

Decades ago, I lost four little lives…tried to keep going, same old same old, get “over it”, move on… Fast forward three decades and baby showers are still a sticking point. 

Dear A, This is my second letter, this one written with a different purpose than the first, but in the same vein, the same branch; it’s about healing. 

She Shines

She shines so bright,

Like the moon when it is full,

or the sparkles of sunlight on the sea.

Can you remind yourself of the feeling that you had, when you were informed of your pregnancy? ‘, the podcast host asked during my interview.

I moved to Bournemouth this year as a way to find a different way to have a family.

I woke up this morning to the sweetness of my tea, a comfort in a cup.

I love it when the light and shadows hit my wall like this.

It is perfect.

I knew in July of this year that my life had changed for ever. It was when I realized my journey to become a mum had finally come to an end.

I married at 22 years of age. Sixteen years later, after surviving several failed IVF attempts, the dream finally collapsed.

They say, *"Do your grief work."*
They say, *"Sit with your grief."*
They say, *"It will get better."*

I am NOT what I am NOT

I am what I AM

The nursery, the office,

The room that was never meant to be.

You don’t notice it at first.

Things simply stop hurting quite as much.

For a long time, I thought my life would follow a fairly familiar pattern.

In case you don’t want to read the whole thing, let me start with the premise of the year: Two things can be true at the same time.

For many years, I believed that moving forwards meant becoming a mother.

All around me is darkness. It is so dark that I don’t even know if there is anyone else around me. Is there someone nearby?

My womb, a room to house a priceless gift —

a safe place, a happy space,

full of hope and dreams to come.

We bought the house mainly for the backyard. Amidst towering maple, birch and honey locust trees, it was a canvas of open space where I envisioned a big swing set and our young child or children happily running and playing.

I sat immobilised in my grief, unable to visualise the future that I would face without children of my own. It felt lonely, empty.

What if I’ve moved so far forwards

that I don’t need to move any further?

I struggled all my life to find the right partner

A decent one

A kind one

Where will my uterus go when she is cut out of my body?

When I was growing up, I loved making things.

It all began with love

that deep inner love I have carried ever since

Dear Sarah, I know that you’re struggling with childlessness and grief right now so I wanted to say a few words about that.

Surging forth,

brown shell wobbling,

gliding on a path of its own

My husband, James, and I had to put our 16-year-old dog, Leela, to sleep last month.

My first step towards moving forward came in January of 2024 when I had my hysterectomy.

Your view…

is beautiful.

Yes, I say.

I meet you time and time again

The shingle stones beneath our feet

I was gifted a tomato plant by a kind stranger, and I was really excited. I’d always dreamed of growing my own tomatoes.

“Do you have children?”

And it is not just the no.

It is the loaded everything that sits behind it…..

This quote was a companion to me when I was coming out of the grief from childlessness.

It was September, four years ago when I felt that I needed something nice for me.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve started to think a lot about my elder years.

When I found out that biological children wouldn’t be on the cards for us, I refused to believe it. My mind and body went into a state of numbness, denial then anger.

The story of a tree is written in circles.

But not every year has circles bold enough to see.