JW
All around me is darkness. It is so dark that I don’t even know if there is anyone else around me. Is there someone nearby? Are they able provide any light for me to use to walk along this path? There have been many times as I walk along the childless not by choice path in which I have felt very alone. I often wished I could connect with someone and share my struggles. Every story is different, unique and all paths seem to lead to a place where it feels as if you are the only one. In my case, not finding a partner to share my life with is often very different than a majority of childlessness not by choice stories.
It can be lonely. The grief I have felt over many years is two-fold. There is the grief around not being a mom and then there was the grief around not being a wife. I’ve been extremely lucky in the past year to get to know an amazing guy. We are still dating to this day. However, it can be hard to explain the feelings I have of wanting to be a mother.
It’s this deep desire within me. Time is not on my side. I may still have a chance, but realistically I’ve had to let go of my dreams, my thoughts about carrying a child. Over the past six years, or possibly longer, I have had a lot of chronic pain. While I have many more good days in the past year, there are still days where the level of pain that’s in my body eats at all the energy I have. It is very draining. I know that carrying a child at this point would likely be just too hard on my body.
Over the past several years I have tried to fulfil my desire to nurture. One of the most fulfilling ways I have done this is mentoring coworkers. I absolutely love teaching and sharing my knowledge. It’s those moments where the light bulb goes off inside them or when they can tackle a request all on their own which make me proud. It isn’t a complete replacement for motherhood, but for me it is usually just enough to fulfil one of my deepest desires.
Everyone has struggles in life. How you approach them, what attitude you bring to the table, it all matters. I am personally choosing to embrace my life as it is. It isn’t to say that I won’t have hard moments ever again or that I want to push my emotions underneath, it is more that I need to accept this path I am on. I want to make it my own. Establish my own purpose that has meaning for me. I also want to pass on what I have to others through sharing my own story as well as sharing the kindness I have. When I have looked around, I notice people who are quietly in need of someone to just be there with them. It is these things where I am finding more of who I want to be.
