Dilini

I struggled all my life to find the right partner
A decent one
A kind one
Boyfriend material, husband material

I wanted to build a family
To be rooted
For I have never known my own roots
So I wanted to have someone
to root, to build roots

But it didn't happen
There was too much mud in my past
It was impossible to deeply connect
to deeply commit
Because of my frightened Self

When I tried to get pregnant on my own in my early 40s
It was not possible again

So this is where I am now
Childless not by choice

Is this the end?
Yes, it's the end of trying
the end of hoping

But it's also the beginning
The beginning of a different life
Different from the one I envisaged for me

What has changed?
I know now I am not alone in this
Another life is possible
Accepting does not mean I like it
I don't feel the grief anymore
Because I'm held in the community of other childless women
with compassion and understanding

Now it's time to start my life
As a childless woman
I am here now