Danielle Broadbent
I knew in July of this year that my life had changed for ever. It was when I realized my journey to become a mum had finally come to an end. In many ways my story couldn’t be simpler. I’m 43, single, childless not by choice and a Christian (I will explain some of the unique issues later). I’ve never been pregnant or been told I’m infertile, but the grief is the same. The tears I’ve shed are the same. The pain when I see a mum pushing a child on a swing is the same or when I get a WhatsApp message of my niece/nephew or someone else’s’ child having achieved “something.”
I’ve dated a few men over the years, been on all the big dating websites but never found “the one”. This is the point many people would be thinking “you’re too picky, haven’t been messaging enough men/ meeting up with enough men…” If only it were that simple! Anyone who has tried dating websites will know all about ghosting – when you’ve been messaging someone and they disappear and never reply again. I’ve had this happen more times than I can count. I’ve even had dates not show up when we’ve arranged to meet. I’ve also had a date message me when I was on the train to say he wasn’t coming. This was a 2-hour train journey and an expensive train ticket! Many might think it should be easier to meet a potential match with all the dating websites and apps out there. However, many seasoned daters would argue differently. Many long to meet a match at a dance (do these even exist anymore?), at the pub/ theatre/ park/ out and about….I know many people I used to know met their other half at university. After your twenties it’s just not easy to meet people.
I have thought about every option – fostering/ adopting and having a baby on my own. I even started the fostering process but quite quickly on both sides it was decided it wasn’t going to be right for me. This would also apply to adopting, if not more so for me. This was when I realised my lifelong dream to become a mum had ended. I knew I would never be pregnant, never have a baby shower, never give birth, never call a child my son or daughter, never have a child call me mum, never take my child to the park, never read my child a bed-time story, never celebrate my child’s birthday and milestones. The list of nevers is endless. To use every metaphor, it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I think I always thought it would work out somehow. For those who are single, they will also understand how difficult processing childlessness is. I had no-one to talk to, no one to give me a hug and no-one to tell me it was going to be ok. The life I had always wanted, planned, just expected to happen had been taken away. From an early age girls are given dolls, dolls houses and prams to play with. It’s almost built into us that this will just be our destiny. We will of course have a beautiful house, partner and children. But of course, that’s not reality.
As someone who had always wanted to get married, I’d had many years of grieving over this. After all your wedding is meant to be the biggest day of your life – right? If this doesn’t happen, have you missed out on the biggest day of your life? There is nothing compared to a wedding in terms of the fuss and expense. Venues are booked up to 2 years in advance, wedding dresses can cost thousands, cakes cost hundreds (at least) and every detail is poured over for months.The average wedding now costs approx.. £21,000 in the UK. A cheap wedding is £12,000 but I can’t think of any other event when you would spend this kind of money. Therefore, if you’ve never had this you feel you’ve missed a part of your life. This is another source of grief in addition to not having a child.
As I mentioned above, I am a Christian. Many people may not realise how difficult it is to be childless not by choice and single in the Christian world. Many church leaders and congregation members get married and have children very young – particularly in the evangelical church. This often makes those, who haven’t achieved this milestone feel like outcasts and that there is something wrong with you. Christians often talk about God having a plan for our life’s – which sounds great! However, if you are someone who always wanted to get married and be a mum/dad and this doesn’t happen, it is incredibly difficult to reconcile the idea of a loving God with a God who doesn’t want to let you have a child/ partner. This is made even more problematic by there being very few single clergy/ church leaders.
Most church leaders have little to no understanding of the issues of single and childless not by choice people. They’ve never thought about singles paying more for utilities – I still need to put the heating/ lighting on but there is only me paying for it. Council tax only has a 25% discount for solo occupants, not 50%. Holidays often cost 50% extra on the brochure price. This is before the emotional difficulties of not having someone to talk to at home and having to sort every problem on my own. You might be wondering what about your friends? Couldn’t you call one of them up? The truth is that I have very few friends. The older I have become, the harder I have found it to find people like me, that I can relate to. I know this is a common problem, particularly for those over 40. If you have children, they go to nursery/school and you have a constant stream of people you can meet who are like you. However, as you get older more people get married/ have children and I’ve founds friends drift away as your lives are too different. It becomes difficult to relate to each other, and it can be too painful to be around someone your age with children. It feels like salt is being rubbed in the wound.
There are very few single/ childless not by choice good role models, particularly over 40 who seem to be living a fulfilling life and aren’t eccentric in the church. Ironically, this isn’t because they aren’t there, but because they have left church. It’s just too difficult to be there when you feel constantly excluded and made to feel inadequate. Many church leaders introduce themselves before their talk with their name, I’m married to ? and I have X numbers of kids. I find this immediately a painful reminder of what I wanted and won’t have. This is often followed by at least one if not a constant stream of anecdotes of their children/ family life to illustrate various points. I once even sat through a talk where the speaker put on screen a picture of the whole family at Disney World, Florida. Not only did I think this was highly inappropriate as for many people the cost of going to Disney World was completely unobtainable but also reminding those without partners/ children of what they haven’t got.
I am fairly near the beginning of my grieving journey. Although, I have been thinking of what my life would look like for quite a few years if fostering was a “no”. For the past 2 years I’ve been writing a list of things I wanted to do if I got a “no”. Some are very easy, some are more complicated, such as changing job. I’ve found this helpful as a reminder my life has worth and I have lots of positive and exciting things to look forward to. As far as the church goes, I think there is a massive ministry opportunity to make leaders understand the issues, services more inclusive and support those who are on the grieving journey. It’s something I am just beginning to think through. I think this could include retreats for Christians childless not by choice, talks/training to church leaders and leadership teams on the issues of being childless not by choice/ single, meetups, and in my wildest dreams being allowed to do talks at Christian festivals/ events or childless not by choice events. The path I am walking is 100 miles away from the one I thought I would be walking. I never thought at 43 I would be single and childless not by choice. However, here I am. I know there are good things about being single and not having children. Sometimes we don’t like to admit that. I know plenty of parents having serious issues with their children and have known plenty of couples go through messy divorces. I know in lots of ways I do have a good life and having a “no” does help with closure. It allows me to start moving on. However, I have plenty of times when the grief hits me and I find myself in tears. I’m not sure if that ever goes away. The fact is you get one life and only you can life it. I am living “the unchosen path” but I’m determined it doesn’t have to be a bad path. The best people to help and support those who are childless not by choice are those who are childless not by choice. Potentially, being able to support childless not by choice people in a Chrisitan context does make me quite excited. The only way I could do that is because I’ve lived and walked this path. I am determined to find hope, peace and maybe joy on this unchosen but no less meaningful path.
