Katie-lee
I sat immobilised in my grief, unable to visualise the future that I would face without children of my own. It felt lonely, empty. I knew that I could not sit in that space forever, else it would consume me. Then there would be no future at all, and what was the point in that? I knew that I had purpose, and life would be whole for me again one day, somehow....
This was almost 6 years ago now. I was just out of a relationship that was tainted with infidelity, toxic narcissism, realising that I had given so much of my life to it, hoping that I may become a mother and heal those wounds somehow. I look back now and realise that a child would not have fixed that relationship. Rather, I would have been responsible for another life, to somehow protect them from the same treatments I was subjected to. I find a little peace knowing that a tiny human didn't have to suffer that same pain.
My life today is somewhat different, to say the least. I am about to marry my soulmate, cheesy I know! But hear me out... With this man, I feel safe, even in the dark times. I am comforted. I can cry when I am sad, laugh when I am happy and speak freely when I have thoughts or opinions. He creates that with me, with his presence and grace in my life, making space for me and showing up for us. It's a love I didn't know existed before. But I digress... we decided that fertility testing/treatments were not for us, already into our 40s and him with a teenage daughter already. Don't get me wrong, we both longed for a family together. We cried about it. I've cried about it. A lot. And he always held me, in his arms and his heart. I will always carry that grief with me. It never goes away; it ebbs and flows like the tides of the sea.
I sit here at my kitchen table, in our wonderful home, sometimes it feels empty, quiet. But then I remember all the good that we have built here. We have started our own small business, keeping bees. We sell honey and are going to start doing other products soon too. We get to spend a lot of time in nature as a result, we keep bees at 2 local farms as well as in our garden. We grow things deliberately for the pollinators, for the seasons. We get to meet people in our local community that we may never have met if it wasn't for their curious questions about the bees, and their custom in buying from us. We have interacted with local businesses and suppliers, joined new groups locally and online to learn and share and grow our little business. It's been truly wonderful.
All this helps us to look to a future where we can explore the world, our own little corner and much further afield. We have a dream to holiday at volunteer centres around the world, like my partners daughter just has at a wildlife sanctuary in Namibia. We want to see where honey is made in other parts of the world, what climate change is doing to the seasons we experience and how we can adapt with our own garden and beyond.
I have spent 27 years working on my career in the NHS, I have a good job that is fulfilling. But now I want to enter a new season of my life, where I learn about the things that inspire me, and bring me joy today, and hope for the future. I've realised that you don't just wake up happy. Much like a career, a life full of joy and future to look forward to takes effort, showing up every day for yourself to build that life that you deserve.
Life is a collection of small moments, they aren’t all positive, but they all matter. It’s how you curate them and carry them through your life where you will find your joy. Do it with a humble grace, a fierce commitment and a steadfast empathy for others and you will be rewarded. Something meaningful will come from this
