Tamara Meaux

I would not be the kind, caring, compassionate, loving, aware and supportive wife, daughter or friend that I am today had I not been childless.

I know that may sound unimaginable. How could childlessness, something that caused me so much pain, bring out some of the best qualities in me?

The truth is that being childless brought me to the lowest point in my life. For a long time, I carried grief, disappointment, and longing. I had nowhere to go but up.

As I slowly rebuilt my life, all the love, care, and nurturing I had been saving for a child began to flow freely to the people and animals that were already in my life. The Parts of myself that had been waiting to be someone’s mother found other ways to be expressed.

Had I become a mom, much of my time, energy, and attention would naturally have been given to my child. Instead, I have been able to deeply invest in my marriage, my friendships, my family, my cats, and the experiences that bring meaning to my life. People would not know me as they do, I would have been so involved in my child’s welfare that everything else may have taken a backseat. The people I love most in my life have been able to know the fullest version of me.

This realization is bittersweet. There will always be moments when my heart aches for the child I never had. However, alongside that grief there is gratitude. I am so thankful for my life, my friends, my cats, the freedom to enjoy the things that are important to me and most of all my relationship with my husband. They all deserve the full me, so perhaps, the hardest thing that I ever had to accept, also shaped me in the most profound way.

Childlessness may not have given me the life I had planned, but it helped to create the life I am living today.