Of all the things that make me different, it is my involuntary childlessness that I have struggled with the most.

In contrast to the way I had never grieved my childlessness, I was able to fully grieve my cousin’s death, along with the rest of my family, as we cried and talked and remembered. There was sadness, shock and anger and a sense of huge injustice that she had died so young.

A few years ago a good friend invited me to join her in taking an art class based on the Japanese art of Kintsugi. This art form, supposedly over 400 years old, treats the breaks and repairs in a precious object as part of its history.

After going through one unsuccessful IVF cycle, I saw a counsellor to come to terms with the grief of being childless. During this time, I became withdrawn, felt isolated as I did not have family living nearby.

Worth has always been a complex topic for me.

We should be heard. We should stop being the secret statistics of society that get overlooked or discarded like a used rag.

Sat on the floor in a large gym, my bottom pressing onto a hard surface, wriggling to try and get comfortable. Over 200 14-15 year olds surround me, the sound of crinkling paper echoes around the space as we clutch onto small plain white paper bags.

I’ve never really liked sharing anything about my personal story - the part about not having kids, anyway. I never had a succinct answer I could give, no tidy three-sentence summary of my situation that made everything okay - made me sound okay.

How can one feel worthy when the world seems to revolve around women with children?

Sarah leads us through a brief session touching on practices that have been useful on her childless journey. Mindfulness meditation and breath work accessible for beginners.

Dignity

Latin – dignus – worthy
Noun. The state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect.

In the spring of 2014 I began grieving my childlessness.

In December of that year I left my marriage.

I didn’t want to live, I didn’t care, I didn’t know I needed to grieve the loss of my child I never had.

I was contemplating moving beyond childlessness from my tiny cabin overlooking Lake Superior when I met a woman about my age named Martha.

If someone asked me today how I learned to move forward after everything I have been through; I would say by learning to love myself unconditionally.

Not all women

That have no children

Just want to have fun

It’s common for women without children to question their purpose and the meaning of life. I know I did.

Realising my worth has been gradual. It started as a whisper.

Now it’s a clear voice. Not yet a roar! Well, occasionally!!

I guess I feel guilty in a way. Guilty that sometimes, I project a persona to the world that might be considered a little misleading.

Hi. I'm Lana Walker. I’d always wanted to be a mum. I just assumed it would happen, because it’s so natural and part of life.

Being childless not by choice often brings along a lot of questions around identity, meaning and worth. Who am I, what is the purpose of my life, and how can I see myself as worthy, when motherhood didn’t happen? Like many, I struggled with this too, for years.