If someone asked me today how I learned to move forward after everything I have been through; I would say by learning to love myself unconditionally. My deepest inner child story is feeling like something is wrong with me. This story followed me all the way through my infertility journey. I have a fear of messing up. Every time I felt like I messed up, I loved myself less and less. I did not want to be seen by others in fear of embarrassment.
My husband and I tried to conceive for seven years with three miscarriages. After learning about a genetic chromosome issue in 2016, we decided to live a childless life. Little did I know that grief would tip toe its way into my life and teach me a big lesson; that I am worthy to be seen. Infertility amplified my inner child story that something is wrong with me. Being South Asian, I felt ashamed that I could not become a mother. I did not share my true feelings with loved ones because I believed I was an embarrassment. Being childless was not the norm in my culture. I would stand out in a crowd when I wished to be invisible.
In therapy I started to grow curious as to why I pushed my true feelings aside from myself and others. Once the layers of grief lifted away, I found a little frail girl inside me scared to be found. She was accustomed to being alone like an outcast. To justify her actions, she created stories that she was hard to be around. Hiding made her feel protected and safe. She was terrified to get hurt or feel pain of any kind. Feeling good was foreign to her.
Overtime, therapy helped me uncover the deep shame that lived inside me since the age of five. I remember being in an English as a second language class, and seeing my classmates laughing through a small window on the door. Were they laughing at me? Why was I here and not out there? Did I mess up? Was something wrong with me? These are questions I always asked myself throughout adolescence and adulthood.
Fast forward to my infertility challenges, these questions popped up again. I realized the coping mechanisms I used as a little human were built on untrue stories. It was time to learn something different. With the help of therapy and guided meditation; I visited my inner child in those moments she started to love herself less. Those moments where she felt like she messed up again. Those moments where she would hide from pain. She was lost and needed my guidance to move forward.
I learned to nurture and love my inner child unconditionally one day at a time. I had to patiently listen to her needs and hold space for her tantrums. I was building a bond of trust between us. In times of sadness, I had to remind her everything was going to be okay, because she is enough for the world. She deserves to exist. She deserves to be seen and heard. Eventually, love started growing between us and joy started to tip toe its way back into our hearts.
Today, when I feel like I messed up, I hold space for myself. It has become a daily practice. I am learning to change my internal dialogue by using words that are gentle in nature. I have forgiven myself for thinking I was not enough.
I have decided, once and for all, that I love myself unconditionally no matter what. I am worthy to be seen. And so it is!
Satwinder Kaur
