Journey to Feeling Worthy
Worth has always been a complex topic for me. Even now as I type these words. I think to myself all these ruminating thoughts: if only I had a full time day job, I’d be worthy, if only I had married that man in my twenties, if I could afford my own place, if I wasn’t disabled, I’d be worthy.
I usually win the battle of my rumination by yelling “stop” (sometimes out loud, sometimes in my head) and shift my mindset. If I had any of kind of full time work, ever, I’d have to pay for a care attendant to assist me; this is not feasible nor affordable. However this leaves time for hobbies, friends and searching for my spiritual side. The pandemic and a lack of resources both for travel and financial reasons, have restricted but not deterred my desire for travel. My gypsy in a wheelchair soul will take me across the USA and beyond. I have always been a traveler even in my mind. Those future stories of love & laughter with friends keeps me motivated to get up everyday.
Not too long ago, I ended my year or so long journey reading and trying to be whatever pop psychology book told me to be. Never judge, never be angry, keep my boundaries. All good advice! Boundaries should be kept but not to the point where you turn yourself into a prisoner. Never anger, which in my mind really meant stuff all your emotions inside and never take an action. Never judge, come to truly really mean to me to be more discerning about who I share my life with and who I need to keep a further distance from. My point is that I never cut people any slack least of all myself.
Which is not to say these techniques didn’t work, some did. However, my life became all about a positive façade instead of letting my true emotions show.
I do not do that anymore . My revelation was that I could be flawed, and childless and disabled and still be worthy of love. Thank you to my childless sisters and brothers for helping me come to this realization.
My worth is in not defined by others. Only enhanced by them.
Please if you doubt your worthy come and join us. Yes, we are part of community perhaps we never thought we would be a part of. I totally get that. However, being a part of this childless tribe has helped me to see my gypsy soul and know I am worthy. My friendships will last a lifetime as I begin to move forward in my life.
I get by with a little help from my friends and a respect for myself.
The next stage of my journey is uncertain but that is fine. For once, I do not feel alone on my journey.
I feel worthy of the next chapter.
Vicky Page