I didn’t want to live, I didn’t care, I didn’t know I needed to grieve the loss of my child I never had. I had to let go of my dream of a life of being a mother, having a growing family, having grandchildren, coffee clutches, being a soccer mom... I had to allow my wound to heal and embrace my scar.
Will I ever be understood, be needed, find my value? It IS a big deal. When you know that someone else has felt the same pain, the same heartache, the same loss, the truth is found, and you know they truly understand. When a “mother” can feel OUR loss, it’s a breakthrough to the other side allowing them to feel our pain. Find a way to tell your story. Being understood starts the healing.
Everyone has some experience of loss. Death of a pet, child, parent, grandparent, best friend, significant other, spouse. Most people have experienced failing, wanting something so badly and not being able to have it. If they have experienced loss or failure, then they MAY have a slight glimpse of how we feel.
I’m not crazy. What I felt was real. I now know that not having children does NOT make me a failure. I now know that I belong. I now know that I have meaning.
It IS possible to be happy. I’m not lost or alone or an outsider anymore because I’m part of a tribe, THIS tribe. We’re warriors together.
I’m following some drive within me to write songs about being childless. I bought a guitar and started taking lessons. My creating music is so exciting to me. It gives me a reason to be here, hoping and imagining my songs will give others the same feeling of hope, relief, of feeling understood, and I hope it may help them find their purpose. I’m making it a part of my legacy. It gives me value. Even if I never share my songs and they never leave my livingroom, I’ll still feel the healing from writing them, from expressing every emotion, every detail. It’s like the sun is rising again for me. And no one can take it away from me ever again.
Diane