In the spring of 2014 I began grieving my childlessness.
In December of that year I left my marriage.
At the end of 2017 I earned my Masters in Health & Wellness Coaching,
With little vision of what to do with it.
In the spring of 2018 I accepted a job offer that had nothing to do with coaching;
Because by then I officially had only myself to lean on;
Coaching set to the side.
Also that spring I joined the 2018 cohort for the Gateway Women Online Bee program.
Game changer. Community maker.
How many times in that Bee year did we well up with tears at having found our tribe?
Finally seeing how my childless life could be;
Red jacket’ed, bold, articulate, joyful, and most importantly, without shame.
Red jacket optional.
I did the work slowly, one chapter, one exercise, one zoom call at a time.
My heart’s path a progressive spiral;
The timeline only my own.
A seed was planted.
In the spring of 2019 I emerged from the Online Bee;
The same me, and also different.
Braver, fiercer, softer, and with a little less shame.
At a Yule party in December 2019,
After I swear only half a glass of Swedish glögg;
What truth serum does she put in there???
I fell into a kitchen conversation with two women I liked but didn’t know well.
One almost my mother’s age, the other somewhere between us.
Both self-employed entrepreneurs.
Suddenly I was telling them everything:
My childlessness grief journey,
My coaching waiting quietly in the corner,
My other Masters in Spirituality,
Retreat leading
Art as Soulwork
The seed that had been planted.
They watered that tiny seed, beamed warmth on it, and sprinkled it with compost.
They cheered for what I could do,
Saw what I was already becoming.
They gushed and nudged, but did not push or shove.
When I said: But it’s winter,
And my idea is small and needs to incubate,
While my Spirit hibernates;
They said: Of course, but maybe in the spring…
And their eyes twinkled.
In the early spring of 2020 my Spirit started to effervesce;
I started to scribble, draft, wordsmith, and bounce off wise others,
Then I account’ed, wordpress’ed, and published.
I’ll never be ready, and I am ready enough;
It will never be perfect, and I am profoundly content with good enough;
My grief will never go, and we are easier together now.
My shame continues to lessen, and I am ever braver.
In late summer 2020 I hung my shingle,
In this new modern way that I can’t touch but everyone can see.
Wellness coaching for my tribe, for our tribe;
Because we deserve it, we are worthy.
Childless women deserve joy too.
This is how I have moved forward.
Each step as it came clear,
Each task as best I could when I could.
Still in motion.
Anastasia MacDonald