I think about you daily. You were my one shot at children, and I let you down badly. When I think about the photo I have of you – the scan from seven weeks, I often think about your little heart beating away. I saw your heart and knew that regardless of what happened I would always hold you in a special place in mine – untouched by anyone else.Read More
I like to dream, sweet child.Read More
I’ve caught glimpses of my concept of you many times over the years, but there was one time I felt so certain it was you.Read More
You would be about 32 years old now if I had been blessed.Read More
Letter to my unadopted child:
You're probably out there somewhere, and I hope you've been adopted by a lovely family and that everything is going so well for you. It's strange to think that you could be living with me now, that you'd be taking my surname, that I'd be your forever Mummy.Read More
I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to be born and carry on the family line, but it wasn’t my fault. I wanted you, we wanted you very badly. You might have had your dad’s curly thick hair and his cute smile. Or slightly neurotic and scatter brain like me.Read More
I had big dreams for you both! We dreamed about what your lives could have been like…Read More
I’m delighted to have this opportunity to read an extract from Dear You: A Letter to my Unborn Children for World Childless Week 2018.Read More
So you were the baby on the backseat and we said goodbye.Read More
My dearest Bean
You were conceived out of love - lots of love. You were so very wanted by your father and I. It took 6 attempts via various fertility treatments, for us to reach the stage where one embryo was viable and survived, albeit, briefly in my womb.
You were the Bean, because that was the size you were on the ultrasound screen when they told me. I saw your tiny heart beat; you made my back ache (even at such an early stage of pregnancy) and made me dislike the taste of my favourite tea.
Daddy and I were so worried about you, and maybe that's why you just died in my tummy. When the nurse couldn't find a heart beat, I cried from the deepest part of my body. A missed miscarriage - I'd never even heard that term before. It wasn't meant to be.
I had some names in mind for you, and when I hear them mentioned anywhere now, I pause, and my heart aches. My 'mummy' friends will never understand my pain, and I just don't think they really know what I endured to get pregnant. And why do people bring their babies into work? Don't they have any awareness for the feelings of others?
Your Daddy and I are no longer together, but we still message each other, not least on the date you were due. You would have had three cousins - all girls - and they would have adored you. My beautiful Bean.
You will never leave our hearts x
I’ve imagined these names written this letter so many times in my head and on paper. The content changes a bit each time as the seasons change, along with the years. I’m finally ready to tell you a few things now.
What I would give for just one day with you. To tell you how much I love you. How wanted you were and still are. Throughout my life I always thought that I’d meet your father at a coffee shop of course we would be discussing books. I hope that I passed down a love reading to you. To me, it doesn’t matter what you read classics to comic books.Read More
You’ve been trapped in space with stardust and hope, none of which I can expect you to survive in. I wanted so much more for my babies. I must’ve given you the wrong directions, and for this I am so very sorry.Read More
I don't even know where to start. We had so many plans for our life with you. I wanted to fill your life with adventure, challenge, and knowledge. I wanted you so busy enjoying life you could never be unhappy.
I never wanted anything as bad as I wanted to be your mom. To feel you grow inside me, to be connected, and be able to see you later and say "I made that!"Read More
There are no wordsRead More
I can’t help thinking that you would be a girl. I’m one of seven girls, so I don’t know what it’s like to raise a boy. (Had you been a boy I would have been just as happy, just a tad surprised.)Read More