To my only son, Aaron

To my only son, Aaron

I think about you daily. You were my one shot at children, and I let you down badly. When I think about the photo I have of you – the scan from seven weeks, I often think about your little heart beating away. I saw your heart and knew that regardless of what happened I would always hold you in a special place in mine – untouched by anyone else.

The pregnancy I had with you was very short, and filled with worries. Nothing went right, leading to constant fear that I would lose you. It hurts that I was so right about that. I knew and gave you permission to go if you had to, before I even made it to the scan room. I hope you didn’t believe it was because I didn’t want you – both me and your daddy more than anything wanted you to share our lives with us so much, but sometimes things have to be let go. And in your case, you were the hardest thing I have ever had to say goodbye to.

When I think about you, I think about all the love I have that I can’t show. I think about all the stages of your life I would’ve been a part of. I think about all your achievements and most of all I think about how you would’ve looked and acted.

When I saw you in that dream – my heart melted. You were a mini-version of your dad. You had light brown hair, which I could tell would end up being dark, you had his jawline and you were a serious little boy as we made sandcastles together in silence. I wonder what I added to the mix - perhaps a love of the beach and making sandcastles...

But, you’ll never be more than a little heartbeat, my love. A little heartbeat that petered out before it could come into this world to stake it’s claim. But Aaron, know that I’ll always love you and you’ll always be part of my life.

Mummy xx