To my only son, Aaron

I think about you daily. You were my one shot at children, and I let you down badly. When I think about the photo I have of you – the scan from seven weeks, I often think about your little heart beating away. I saw your heart and knew that regardless of what happened I would always hold you in a special place in mine – untouched by anyone else.

Read more

Hi Little One

Hi Little One

I don’t know where you are ~ other than in my heart. You know how much I’ve wanted you. I’ve wanted you to come into this earth through me. I wanted to love and nurture you. I wanted to guide you. I knew that eventually I would have to let you go. You would become a young adult. Yet I was always willing to endure that pain for the joy I would have when you were a child ~ my child.

Here I am - a 45 year young woman and still without you ~ other than in my heart. Choices I’ve made, roads I’ve followed, turns I took all led me here ~ without you in my arms.

I long to hold you, to nurture you, to love you, to care for you ~ to have you here with me ~ other than in my heart. I wonder if you are waiting for me somewhere ~ in limbo ~ waiting to be born. You are a patient soul, my love.

I want to let you go now ~ go to wherever it is that you were meant to be born. So that you can experience this amazing life on our earth. I can do this because I know I will always hold you deep ~ in my heart.

I love you!

My dearest Bean

My dearest Bean

You were conceived out of love - lots of love.  You were so very wanted by your father and I. It took 6 attempts via various fertility treatments, for us to reach the stage where one embryo was viable and survived, albeit, briefly in my womb.

You were the Bean, because that was the size you were on the ultrasound screen when they told me. I saw your tiny heart beat; you made my back ache (even at such an early stage of pregnancy) and made me dislike the taste of my favourite tea.

Daddy and I were so worried about you, and maybe that's why you just died in my tummy. When the nurse couldn't find a heart beat, I cried from the deepest part of my body. A missed miscarriage - I'd never even heard that term before. It wasn't meant to be.

I had some names in mind for you, and when I hear them mentioned anywhere now, I pause, and my heart aches. My 'mummy' friends will never understand my pain, and I just don't think they really know what I endured to get pregnant. And why do people bring their babies into work? Don't they have any awareness for the feelings of others?

Your Daddy and I are no longer together, but we still message each other, not least on the date you were due. You would have had three cousins - all girls - and they would have adored you. My beautiful Bean.

You will never leave our hearts x

ANON

Dear James and Savannah

I’ve imagined these names written this letter so many times in my head and on paper. The content changes a bit each time as the seasons change, along with the years. I’m finally ready to tell you a few things now.

What I would give for just one day with you. To tell you how much I love you. How wanted you were and still are. Throughout my life I always thought that I’d meet your father at a coffee shop of course we would be discussing books. I hope that I passed down a love reading to you. To me, it doesn’t matter what you read classics to comic books.

Read more

Dear My Child

I don't even know where to start. We had so many plans for our life with you. I wanted to fill your life with adventure, challenge, and knowledge. I wanted you so busy enjoying life you could never be unhappy. 

I never wanted anything as bad as I wanted to be your mom. To feel you grow inside me, to be connected, and be able to see you later and say "I made that!" 

Read more