Once Upon A Time... that sounds like the start of a fairy tale rather than reality but I can say (hand on heart) that I am looking for a “Happy Ever After” ending.
During August I awoke with stomach pain which persisted for over a week and left me unable to do anything but exist. As nothing eased the pain I went to the doctors who referred me straight to the hospital. I was kept in overnight and tests were carried out. I was told that I had a large (15 x 12 cms) cyst on my ovary. The doctors believed it to be a benign dermoid cyst and I was informed I would be brought back in for a full hysterectomy within the next six weeks.
I remember thinking about the implications of a hysterectomy and how that related to my childlessness. I am 53 years old so my days of falling pregnant are well and truly over but this operation signalled the full end of my story. I was still in constant pain but also numb from the news of what was happening.
Should I be grieving the loss of my ovaries, womb… should I feel an overwhelming grief? I didn’t know what to think or how I should feel, it all seemed surreal. How can I grieve for a piece of my body that never fully worked but kept reminding me that it was still there each time my period arrived. It was a mass of jumbled thoughts that still remain in the back of my mind, not buried but also not dealt with entirely. I have said for years that I can’t wait for the menopause and to move forwards and suddenly it was all going to happen; not naturally, but forced.
So much was happening in such a short time and at my busiest time of the year, the run up to World Childless Week. In the weeks prior to the pain I’d been fully organized, had a schedule of everything to do each day and confident the run up to the 16th September would run smoothly. Now the pain had taken control and I was unable to think straight or complete simple tasks; I was unable to post, answer emails or organize anything to do with World Childless Week. I had to do something so told the World Childless Week Champions what was happening and they rallied around.
Each Champion helped me in a different way and they made World Childless Week 2019 happen. Berenice Smith took complete control of the submissions and adding the stories to the website; the week would never have happened without her dedication. Other Champions took over the hosting of the webinars on top of being guests, whilst also submitting their personal stories. Their emotional support was invaluable and I had complete trust in them. I knew that there was a flurry of energy and movement around me but I watched entirely from the sidelines.
I felt numb to everything as the days drifted by and the 16th edged closer. All I could manage was to provide passwords to accounts so that the Champions could access all that they needed. It felt wrong to be on the outside and strange to have such a disconnection from something that was (excuse the wording) “my baby”.
Thankfully due to the level of my pain schedules were changed and the hospital called me to say my hysterectomy would take place on the 11th September. So, three weeks to the day I had awoke in pain I made my way to the hospital. Due to complications my operation took twice as long as expected and I was still in hospital on the 15th September with World Childless Week mulling over in my head. I decided to do a quick Facebook live from my hospital bed to thank everyone who was participating in anyway and to let everyone know how much their support mattered.
On Monday 16th September I was allowed home to start the slow and steady process of healing. I wanted to read the stories and watch the webinars but my head was fuzzy and all I could manage was to sit like a comatosed zombie and watch the never ending dribble of daytime television. As such I want to apologize for not adding my voice to the comments and expressing my thoughts and support.
I’d been told that I would have a general follow up appointment in six to eight weeks but I had a call the next week. My heart sunk but I tried to keep positive and think they must have had an empty slot they wanted to fill.
As my husband and I sat in the room and listened to my surgeon’s words my fears were confirmed. Part of the cyst was cancerous and had attached itself to my pelvic area. Samples of the cancer had been sent to a pathology lab at a specialized women’s clinic and I would have to wait 2-3 weeks for the results.
The next couple of days were extremely emotional as I shared the news with family and friends. The tears flowed and negative thoughts raced through my mind but overall I decided to stay positive. Two and then three weeks passed without any news and my frustration of not knowing grew. Eventually after five weeks I had an appointment. The news (under the circumstances) was the best that I could hope for and my positivity is now stronger than before.
There were no tears that day, but there was laughter.
I’m still mulling over if having a hysterectomy has affected me emotionally with regards to being childless and I have to now deal with my thoughts to having ovarian cancer. The two are interlinked but also independent and both need to be analyzed and emotionally dealt with. It has been said that being told you will not have children is as devastating as being told you have cancer. As a childless woman now battling cancer I’d like to share my thoughts on that statement but will leave that for another blog on another day.
For now in preparation of my upcoming chemotherapy sessions I am going to concentrate on finding some fun loving funky hats because I am not sure if I’m a wig kind of girl !!!
Stephanie Joy Phillips
Founder, World Childless Week