Yvonne John
World Childless Week Ambassador
Self-care
a day-by-day, moment-by-moment choice to prioritise our needs as much as we do those of others. It is about committing to carving out time (however difficult) to rest, play and nurture ourselves. Not always easy if we come from a past of neglect and abandonment, and have grown used to ignoring our own needs. Some of us don't even believe we are worthy of such tenderness. Only when we grieve our past does self-care become fully possible. We can finally stop abandoning ourselves and slowly begin the process of learning how to love ourselves. Warts and all.
Taken from the book Wise Words for Women by Donna Lancaster
Before I came to this place of knowing that I would not give birth to a child of my own I’d never heard of the term self-compassion, so I never knew how to love myself. I guess you could say that I never knew true love until I could have love for myself (see what I did there!!!).
So, I looked into what self-love actually meant and found that it’s also known as self-care or self-compassion and a practice of nurturing a positive and compassionate relationship with oneself. It involves unconditionally accepting ourselves, recognising our worth and valuing, and treating ourselves with kindness and respect. Self-love is essential for leading a fulfilling and balanced life. It allows us to cultivate resilience, maintain healthy relationships, and prioritise our overall well-being. By nurturing a positive and compassionate relationship with ourselves, we can experience greater happiness, fulfilment, and success in various areas of their lives. WHO KNEW!!!
I sense your laughter and feel your scepticism as I compose this blog. But I hear you, before joining our lifelong membership club I would have rolled my eyes and walked away if you told me that I needed to find a way to love myself, “NOT WITH MY PAST!!!”
In a world that often emphasises the importance of motherhood and family, those of us without children may find themselves grappling with societal expectations and internal pressures, an experience that I found extremely challenging which seemed crazy when you consider all the adrenaline filled the adventures I’ve taken part in over the years. Yet, the path towards self-love is crucial to enable us to embrace our unique journeys so I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learnt along the way…
The Myth of Motherhood
Society has long perpetuated the idea that a woman's ultimate purpose lies in motherhood. From fairy tales to societal norms, the narrative often revolves around the fulfilment that comes from being a mother. Sadly, this perspective can leave women without children feeling inadequate, like we are missing out on an essential part of life or like we’ve somehow ‘failed’ to do what generations of women before us have done. Why is motherhood seen as the only path to a fulfilling and meaningful existence? We’re did this myth come from? and why will I not know true love until I’ve had a child???
Breaking Free from Societal Expectations
The first step towards self-love involves breaking free from societal expectations be it from familial pressures, cultural norms, or religious expectations. Our personal worth is not dependent on conforming to these societal norms especially as society's standards do not define an individual's happiness or success. Yet we have somehow been conditioned to believe that this is the case with the questions of “what do you want to be we you grow up” with our answers being met with raised eyebrows if the answer didn’t meet the acceptable expectations of the inquirer or if you were from a African, Caribbean or Asian background, you’ll remember that we were to become a doctor or lawyer. If you were anything like me your rebellion against these notions were met with much disappointment although I realise that becoming a Biomedical Scientist in Haematology was the next best thing to becoming a doctor in my dad’s eyes – I can hear Maureen Lipmans’ voice in the 1988 BT adverts were her character, Beattie, famously exclaimed, "You got an 'ology' you’re a scientist". Embracing the uniqueness of our journey and recognising that fulfilment can be found in diverse ways is a powerful and profound realisation on the path to self-love and one that is not readily realised.
Shifting Mindsets
Changing our perceptions of ourselves and recognising our value is key in our journeys towards discovering self-love. As women without children, we are often faced with judgment, pity and at times a condemnation from others that our lives are less important or not as valuable as those with children (I am sure you have many examples of this), leading to negative perceptions of self. "Apparently, without a mini-me running around, some people think my life is a series of Netflix binges, expensive extravagant holidays, long lie-ins every weekend and talking to my houseplants. Little do they know, my fern gives great advice, and my binge-watching skills are unparalleled!"
It's time to shift our viewpoint, moving away from perceiving ourselves as lacking and instead recognising the abundance of opportunities and strengths within us. This shift can enable us to reach a point where we can wholeheartedly celebrate our achievements, passions, and the positive influence we have on the world. “Yeah, that’s easy for you to say”. I know how difficult this can be however being able to reach this milestone (by doing your grief work through the Gateway Women Reignite weekend or though therapy for example or being in a support group such as the Childless Collective) can significantly contribute to building a positive self-image that will lead you closer to loving who you are.
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a foundation of self-love that involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding as we would offer to a friend. I’ve learnt to direct this kindness and compassion to my inner child and boy does she need it. It’s time for us to acknowledge and validate our emotions and experiences without (self) judgment which involves accepting the sadness, frustration, or disappointment that may arise due to us not meeting those societal expectations of becoming a mum and allowing ourselves to feel those emotions without guilt. If we can get to this place, we can learn to create a supportive foundation for personal growth and self-love.
Rediscovering Personal Identity
Have you ever asked yourself “how did I get here?” It's as though you woke up one day to find yourself in an unfamiliar landscape of indescribable sorrow. Gradually, we yield to those societal pressures that inadvertently overshadow our personal aspirations. While becoming a mother may have been a lifelong desire, have you ever reflected on what you desired before boarding the "I want to have a baby" train? Do you even recall the hopes and dreams you set aside or relinquished to focus on motherhood? At times, I wonder what the pursuit of motherhood has taken from us: our happiness, our laughter, our capacity to dream again, our identity, leaving us with the question “who am I now if I am not going to be a mum?”
The pursuit of self-love led me on a journey of self-discovery. I learnt to laugh in a way I had not done before, I found the voice that inspired me to confront my fears, one that led me to courageously look within and embrace my vulnerability. Gazing into that mirror wasn’t easy, yet I found a version of myself that I wholeheartedly embraced. This version (v4.5) guided me towards new passions and interests that ignited such joy within me. I began to envision how I could live a fulfilling life without children, creating a world that welcomed every aspect of my being and one that had no judgement on how I was living my life.
Building a Support System
Finding self-love is not a solitary journey, and building a supportive network is crucial in enabling a connection with like-minded individuals who understand our experiences and share similar values. Whether through online communities, support groups, or friendships (with those who are empathetic and sensitive), having a support system provides a safe space to express emotions, seek guidance, and share achievements. Knowing that one is not alone in their journey fosters a sense of belonging and validation. Yes you heard me, we need cheerleaders/ a cheer squad to shake their pom-poms in celebration of our daily achievements. My cheer squad cheers when I wake up and get out of bed every morning and they applaud when I step out the house into the world looking like a bad-ass warrior queen. GIVE ME A Y, GIVE ME A V, GIVE ME AN O…..
Fulfilling Relationships
Initially, I set out to praise the virtues of having a circle of supportive family and friends. However, on reflection, I came to the realisation that the most gratifying relationship we can cultivate is the one with ourselves. Continuous personal growth serves as a powerful catalyst for self-love enabling us to dedicate time and effort to personal development, education, and skill enhancement.
Whether through formal education, workshops, or self-directed learning, the journey of acquiring knowledge not only elevates self-esteem but also reveals new paths to fulfilment and accomplishment. This commitment to lifelong learning and personal advancement significantly contributes to nurturing a profound sense of self-love. It empowers us, as women without children, to embrace our unique journeys with confidence and resilience.
Mindful Living
Embracing mindfulness has been a transformative practice in my own journey. As part of embracing my grief around not becoming a mum I found immense value in cultivating mindfulness, which involves being fully present in the moment without passing judgment. This practice has allowed me to shift my perspective to embracing the beauty of the present moment, rather than dwelling on perceived shortcomings or unfulfilled dreams and expectations. I realised the significance of celebrating the positive moments with those who enter my life, and choosing not to dwell on the negative aspects when they depart. By incorporating mindfulness into my daily life, I discovered a sense of peace and contentment, enabling me to find joy in the simple pleasures and navigate life's challenges with greater clarity and resilience.
Embracing the Legacy of Impact
Along the way I've come to realise that the impact and legacy we leave behind are not solely defined by being a biological parent. I've embraced the idea that my contributions to the world, whether through my achievements, artistic creations, mentorship, acts of service, or even in writing my book "Dreaming of a Life Unlived," have the power to shape a legacy. By recognising the positive impact I can have on the lives of others and the world at large through my creative expression and storytelling, I found a sense of purpose and significance that transcends the traditional notions of motherhood/parenthood. This realisation has been instrumental in cultivating a profound sense of self-love, as I acknowledge the value of my unique contributions and the legacy I am creating through my actions and endeavours.
One Final Reflection
My personal journey towards self-love as a woman living without children has been deeply transformative. It's a journey that's uniquely mine, marked by moments of pushing boundaries, challenging societal norms, shifting mindsets, and re-learning not only who I am but also learning to embrace all that I am. Through this process, I've learned to nurture self-compassion and establish a foundation for self-love and boy do I love every part of me – ok I’m still working on fully loving my certain parts of my body but I’m getting there. Building a supportive network of friends, family, and like-minded individuals has been instrumental in this journey, providing me with the encouragement and understanding needed to grow into the ‘BAD-ASS WARRIOR QUEEN’ that I am. Focusing on my personal growth, being an activist for the Childress women of colour, a public speaker and supporting the women who attend the Gateway Women’s Reignite weekends has been an integral part of my healing and growth and the key to embracing a fulfilling and meaningful life without children. Practicing mindful living has also played a significant role, allowing me to appreciate what I have and be more present in the moment, finding joy in my everyday experiences. Ultimately, my journey towards self-love has strengthened the idea that there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Each of our paths is diverse and unique, regardless of our journeys, it’s a journey that highlights the beauty and complexity of our individual experiences. So, this Valentine's Day I encourage you to shower yourself with the love and compassion you truly deserve and if you're feeling bold, treat yourself to flowers and a card that proudly declares, "I LOVE ME."
Photo by Antoni Shkraba on Pexels