Angelwine
My letter to him:
Dear you,
You turned into your mother.
You may have looked up to your father, but your father's qualities are in those you choose to hurt by your actions and lies.
Despite your fathers’ efforts, you missed the lesson of what a man is. It's the qualities you carry and how they affect those around you.
I know this weighs on you, as it should.
While I hope things have changed, I doubt they have. We are who we are, it takes great awareness, desire, and strength to change our internal dialogue.
I won't go on about what you 'lost' as it rarely matters to people who behave as you did. I am happy I saw it before the 'timeline' ended. I'm proud that I had the strength to end it, even through your tears and mine. I'm thankful you no longer have access to me, both in the physical sense and in the space you once held in my mind. I am free of you.
Enjoy your life, whatever it's become.
Sincerely,
Me
My advice to anyone.
Whether you're waiting on a partner or the right time or the right age, etc - Don't.
If you want it, start the process. "Waiting" is my biggest regret in this journey.
Backstory:
I was in a "situationship" when I started my fertility journey at 30 years old.
He minimized the need to go to the fertility clinic and be a single mother because I was part of his five year plan. (I still went and got tested to make sure everything was 'working' but paused the medical process. I took necessary steps outside of the ‘sperm donor’ but paused the physical trying)
He said he had a lot of debt; he would have it paid off in five years and then he wanted to settle down and start a family with me.
Around year four, I started worrying about waiting. I told him if he didn't want to start trying now, we need to end the relationship. He said we would try. And we did.
The last night we were together, I caught him trying to secretly put on a condom. I had already questioned if he was pulling out sometimes, but this was the last straw.
I lost it and I left.
Not because he had to give me a child. But because if he wasn't ready, if he didn't want to have children with me, if he didn't want to be with me - that is absolutely 100% okay. But tell me. Don't string me along. Don't lie to me. Don't manipulate me to get what you want regardless of how it affects me.
I lost almost 5 years of some of my 'best' child bearing years waiting for a man who had no intention of having me in his five year plan.
I thought he was my best friend. I told him everything, more than what I told some of my female besties. This hurt in a way I had never been hurt before. I was so open. I was so vulnerable. And even with our 10 year friend/relationship, he chose to manipulate and lie to me.. for what? Sex? It still makes no sense to me.
