I was born with Cerebral Palsy.
Some people with her disability can have kids, I cannot.
Although I can get pregnant the doctors advised against it because giving birth could worsen my condition and that of my unborn child. Discovering this news, in my early 20’s was not easy. Never the less I dreamed of finding the man of my dreams, getting married and adopting.
Well, almost 20 years later
I’m a never married woman who can’t afford adoption even if I wanted to seek to end the isolated feelings. Searching the internet I found a support group for people who were childless not by choice or circumstance. It took a good 5 years to accept that marriage and kids will never happen. Now before anyone begins to think this is not acceptance, keep reading, because this year I turn 40 and I promised myself that I would accept the things I could not change. I realized that as much as I do want children, for me, my disability would prevent me from being the kind of hands on PTA, carpooling mother I would want to be. That would be unfair to any child I considered my own. I know a few with my disability who are mums and they are great. Most have supportive partners as well, I haven’t found one yet.
Here is the second thing I learned, though I adore the company of men as friends and lovers. I am not looking for marriage any more. I was so desperate to feel worthy as a teen and younger woman, that to be brutally honest anybody who give me attention, that meant I was worthy. Looking back at it now some of the people I dated shouldn’t have gotten to a second date much less a relationship. If marriage does find me, great if it doesn’t that is okay too. I never would have said this, even two years ago.
However, I alone am learning to be enough for me.
I’m doing this though my love of public speaking, writing, volunteering with the CNBC community, hanging out with friends (old and new) and travelling when possible. Being a daughter, sister and aunt give me tremendous joy. Journaling and taking up speaking another language have brightened my days. I’m discovering and studying different spiritual and religious practices. My dog is a rescue animal. He rescued me and made and helped me to recognize my worth. I’ve learned that worth come from within us. I’m still a work in progress. I have some bad days now and then but my friends and family help to remind me of that worth.
I alone, am enough. I am worthy.