Meriel Whale
World Childless Week Ambassador
Purpose. It can feel an elusive thing to find, and of course that’s because it is, elusive, intangible, shifting and changing as we grow. A common assumption is that parents have purpose handed to them and never need to think about it again and, while I’m sure that is a simplification, there is undoubtedly some truth in it too. I’d like to suggest a three stage process for beginning to find your purpose – or one purpose, or the purpose for now – that can be used alongside my other how to blogs: Landmarks, The Power of a Symbol, Grief in not a straight line, How do I get through childless grief? and Ways to move through childless grief.
The first thing I would like to ask you to think about is what is your purpose to live is now? You might think you don’t have one, or that you have a broken, tiny, fragile or out of date purpose. But whatever you think you have, or if you think you have nothing at all, then please write it down on a sticky note or similar, or just write the words, no purpose currently.
Now I would like to ask you to get a piece of A4 paper, and get ready to write on it in landscape orientation, with the longest side at the top. Think about what a life of purpose would look like FOR YOU. What would be in that life? What would it feel like? How would you know you are living a life of purpose? How would other people know?
For example, you might think that a life of purpose for you, would involve work you find meaningful, to have something creative in your life, to spend time with people you love and to travel, volunteer or live abroad. Essentialise these down to short phrases, such as live abroad, work, loved ones etc and write these on the far right hand of the piece of paper. If you want to, draw lines from the left hand side to the right hand side so each of these phrases or words is in its own part of the paper, its own line or row.
Now, for each thing, write down the first tiny thing you could do now, so small that is has no resistance attached to it, on the left hand side of the page. For example, for live abroad, you could write down, print out a world map or look at one online and write down the names of places that excite you, that you might be able to imagine yourself living in. That’s it. That’s all you need to do just now.
Another example is, if you want to find purpose through service, either serving yourself and/or serving others (for I do believe that we need to serve ourselves first, before others), think about the first tiny thing you could do towards that, again a task so small there is no resistance attached to it. For example, making yourself a really lovely cup of tea, coffee, juice or cordial and drinking it outside, or on a comfortable sofa or seat, and with no other input other than perhaps some pleasant music. Just allowing your senses to taste and hear for a few precious moments. Think about one tiny thing that your heart loves? I ask you to start small because it is absolutely all right to start where you are now, rather than leaping too far into the future.
A day, a week or a month after doing the first thing, think about the next tiny step and write it down. And repeat this process, until you have found your way to the right hand side of the page.
At this point, I would offer a quick caveat, it is easier to do this with someone else, friend, family member, accountability partner, counsellor, coach. To have some support along the way, to bounce ideas off, to bring up anything that hurts or excites you, to set goals and timelines and to help move us through the hiccups that seem to be inevitable in all processes, to boost our self-esteem if we need that. But of course, you can do it alone if that’s what works best for you!
This all may seem like too much for you just now, an organised practice like this. In that case, abandon all plans to be organised or plan, to write things down, to set goals or to be accountable and instead, just ask yourself what you would like in your life right now that isn’t currently here, something that you love, something you are calling for, and invite yourself to do that, give yourself permission to have it, to be it, to do it.
The future is yours and you can have pleasure and joy. You can have a purpose. You are good enough and you always have been.
Photo by Yoann Siloine on Unsplash