Maria E. Hill
World Childless Week Ambassador
2024 will arrive soon, so even now, it is worth considering what it means to cultivate your inner Queen: the mature, wise, and confident woman you are meant to be.
Confidence
The degree to which confidence is discouraged in women is interesting. I recently saw an article that explored the brash confidence of men like Elon Musk and how that characteristic is so celebrated in men and criticized or worse in women. I have no desire and suspect that you do not, either, to be like Elon Musk, but it is worth considering how we define confidence, what it is about, and what we can do to develop the healthy, rich confidence we deserve.
I personally do not call being brash, confident, I call it...well, being brash! I also do not think that being reckless is a sign of confidence. I do not think that having big goals in and of themselves is necessarily a sign of confidence. It could be, or perhaps it comes from another place. Too often, what is called confidence does not feel right, and you can feel it in your body. It feels shaky for some reason.
Real confidence has a solid feeling to it. There is a risk, but the risk can be handled: preparation has been done, training, support, and other necessities have been put in place and are there to support success. You can tell that the next step is worth taking; you know it is time, and it is right. Those are the kinds of energies that come from healthy confidence. You will not find them in the toxic masculine.
This is why I do not believe in overnight success. I don’t think it is real, just like the confidence of toxic masculinity is not real - or toxic anything for that matter. We human beings are a vulnerable lot, and look for sources of confidence all the time. We look everywhere: astrology, leaders, examples of others. Sometimes confidence comes from a narrative of some kind. That is fine up to a point. But confidence is best when it is grounded, real, and shareable.
Society, Childlessness, And Confidence
There is an important reason why women have trouble accessing their natural confidence. The rich abilities of women, and I do not just mean in work, I mean in all areas of life, are under-appreciated and disrespected. When you are childless, that devaluation becomes a source of acute pain, yet we know that the perception and valuation of us is wrong even if it is what is happening. So in essence, it is fair to say that what we call confidence in this world is misguided because it is so lopsided. So, how do you deal with it?
Real confidence is not only grounded and in touch with reality, it does the work of contribution. Doing the work is its source, not gender, personality, luck, looks, family etc. All of that can be nice, of course, but you cannot live in a healthy way if you depend on false sources of confidence. Nor can we delegate the work of confidence to someone else. It does not work; it does not make us confident.
Human culture has been using false sources of confidence for a long time to maintain social hierarchies that advantage some over others. You have every right to be angry and should be because it is wrong. This is not just being angry about unfairness. This is a recognition that we are expected to live according to an unreality created by others, and there is no way to make that work. When you are expected to live an unreality no matter what it is, then you have a legitimate issue. This has been the case for women for thousands of years.
Childless women are so disadvantaged in the social hierarchy that it calls into question definitions and sources of confidence in human society. We get a window seat on a lot of things that are wrong or not working. We have false narratives directed at us and are frequently challenged about our lack of conformity. We need a different way.
A New Healthier Confidence
What people call reality or the status quo is unraveling, and we might as well go with it since it opens the door to discovering a new, more grounded confidence, one that is healthier, more nourishing, and more supportable. The more you connect deeply with yourself and the good and beauty you bring to the world, the more natural confidence you will find.
I have found that I am prouder of myself as I have taken up the project of my own becoming since discovering I would be childless. The grieving process took a long time, decades in fact, but as I look back now, I realize that the world that makes it so difficult for women to be proud of themselves is not the world I am attached to. I am focused on the new emerging world and what I can do to make that happen. As I focus on the good I bring to the world and the good I can make space for, I have become prouder of myself, and it is not something someone else can take away from me.
The Inner Queen has separated herself from cultural imperatives around her role and opened up possibilities for herself so that she can bring her full self to the table, celebrate the good she offers the world, and make her contribution. She is there despite cultural blind spots and waiting to be welcomed. Embrace that woman. She has much to give and much to be proud of. Doing so will make 2024 a much better year.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash