Maria Hill
World Childless Week Ambassador
Those of us who are childless know a deep grief that is one of the most daunting experiences of any human being. There are times when we may think we cannot survive it and times when we may think there is nothing to live for because of it. These are understandable feelings. No one wants this journey of grief. We certainly do not deserve the disdain from other humans that seems to come with the territory.
We know that both men and women can experience a deep grief about childlessness; however, for women, it seems to be more daunting. This is not wrong, but it points to something that deserves to be examined.
A Lingering Hurt
Having been through a long grieving process myself, I ask myself, what is it about this experience that lingers and creates pain? Most of the time, I am fine, but there are moments of wistfulness that I would not describe as painful, but they point to something that has been bothering me for a long time and not just about childlessness.
What I am seeing is an issue around space. Bear with me on this. I think one of the reasons childless grief is so difficult is because, for many of us, the world we experience seems to have little space for us as females, and when we are childless, even less. So we are going from little space in the world to even less. It can feel like we are left, at best, with a few scraps from the table, when we, in fact, deserve a whole lot more.
Space Affects Our Self-Perception
There is a direct connection between what the world has space for and how we view ourselves. Even before we experience the childless grieving journey, women experience a world with little space for them. We experience rejection in many ways, so we often can feel at the mercy of others. That is not a good situation, and it gets worse with childlessness.
Energetically, we all feel the space around us, even if we are not overtly aware of it. I personally am a great space noticer, and it is a form of noticing that I think is important. When we are young, we take in the space around us as a reflection of what is OK about us or unacceptable, and we accept or reject ourselves on that basis.
We all have a part of us that wants to feel welcome by those around us, and when it is not there, we can feel a lot of pain. It is an important longing to be aware of, acknowledge, and work with as part of our self-care.
Space And Reality
What we have difficulty getting our arms around is that what someone does or does not have space for is not really a reflection on us but, more importantly, not really a reflection of reality either. Reality is the key thing here. We humans seem to have a long-standing habit of rejecting reality. It is why we have a big fight going on right now.
With that fight is an unacknowledged dispute about what we give space to and what we do not. It is not just a situation of not giving space to the feminine, LGBTQ+, BIPOC etc. We do not give space to reality (climate/ecology and our embeddedness in nature); all rejections which cement in place a hierarchy that is actually destroying us. Childless women are casualties of this misguided approach to human culture that refuses the complex and beautiful talents of all women, especially those of the childless.
Space And Rejection
Space is a great instrument of control or an opening to more possibilities and joy. We each have to make a decision about that. Those who refuse the path of possibility and joy, are often not just negative but actually cynical, an attitude that justifies inappropriate control and stinginess toward others based on a rejection of the good in people. They are among the most destructive people on the planet.
Space is the energy in each person and each culture that tells us a lot about our possibilities for our lives. The shift we are going through is opening up space for all and shrinking the space grab of a few to the detriment of others. We are releasing ourselves from restrictions that are inappropriate, silly, and destructive.
A New World
We are inviting the gifts of each person to the table through this huge change we are going through. There must be space for childless women and we can claim it by claiming and discovering the amazing talents and goodness we all bring to the world.
It is time to sing our praises and, in doing so, make space for ourselves in the world. Being welcome in the world and being able to contribute to a world where we have a voice are all important needs. They make us happy to be alive. We are worthy of that.
Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash