I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1998, and as a consequence, was not able to have children. Whilst there was support available to help me through the treatment for breast cancer, there was no support for being childless not by choice. So how did I move forwards from these two life changing events? I found help from a number of directions, which I’ll mention below. These are what worked for me; everyone will have their own path to follow, and that’s the point I think, there is always a path to follow, and it will always be full of life’s ups and downs.
a. Counselling. After completing breast cancer treatment, it was a shock to be ‘let loose’ into a life that for me had irrevocably changed, whilst everybody else’s life continued ‘as normal’. I felt lost and vulnerable, and decided to go for counselling. I had 6 sessions and then realised that I was fed up listening to myself repeating the same story so I stopped. (Not sure that would be the right reason to stop counselling these days but back then…….)
b. Reading. Specifically a book which caught my eye in a shop, in about 2000. It was called ‘End the Struggle and Dance with life’ by Susan Jeffers. I love dancing, that’s why the title stood out for me. I had the book at home a good few months before reading it…and when I did read it, it resonated with me and my outlook changed. I felt life was to be really lived 100% (in pace and in quality).I started listening to and saying affirmations (and still do). E.g. I know I count and I act as if I do.
c. Voluntary work. I wanted children in my life, somehow. In about 2000, I was able to reduce hours at work and to have one day a week for voluntary work. At a friend’s (more of an acquaintance at the time) party I mentioned I wanted to do voluntary work with children…..and the friend said she owned and ran a children’s nursery so why didn’t I come along to see it and try it out? I did and have continued to. I love having young children in my life; it also gives me a connection that I can talk about in social interactions.
d. Voluntary work….in Jamaica in 2010. Yes I made a brave decision to spend a month living with a local family in Jamaica and to help teach special needs children at a Salvation Army Children’s home. One of the best times of my life!
e. Reading. 2019. ‘Living the Life Unexpected’ by Jody Day. This book, Gateway Women, and the on line community Lighthouse Women, have been invaluable. The support, understanding, feeling of belonging enables me to create the path that’s right for me. I’m practising more self-care and respect, and meeting my own expectations and values whilst allowing others to do the same for themselves.
f. Pets. I have two gorgeous guinea-pigs who are an absolute delight and give me much pleasure. Pets to nurture and love.
g. Needless to say, for all the above I have had tremendous help and support from friends and immediate family. They are the most important factor in all of this and are of great relevance, always.
As a last note, another path I’ve recently discovered is listening- to podcasts (whilst doing the ironing!). If I had to choose just one, it would be ‘Feel Better Live More’ by Dr Rangan Chatterjee.
Wishing you all the very best in finding the path that’s right for you.
Fiona Skelding
Photo by Alulia Baca on Unsplash