Looking back on my life and childless path, I always knew that having children would be difficult for me. I think I already knew that when I was a teenager.
My monthly cycle has never been normal. My cycle ranges between 21 to 40 days and has always been painful and heavy. Doctors always told me that there wasn’t anything out of the ordinary with me, and that my unpredictable cycle was unexplained. I had that gut feeling that something wasn’t going to work out, and it turns out I was right. Just like my cycle was unexplained, so too was my infertility.
After a couple of years trying to get pregnant, we sought fertility testing to see what was wrong. I was simply told that it is unexplained why I couldn’t get pregnant. I had decided early on that I was going to let it happen naturally, or it wouldn’t happen at all because I did not want to have medical intervention. Even though I had no proof, I felt that if I was unable to get pregnant, perhaps there was a medical reason for it and my body was “saving” me or my child from a bad outcome. A positive pregnancy test never happened for me. I don’t know how many pregnancy tests I took over the years, but every single one of them was negative.
By not further pursuing any medical intervention, my infertility and my entire reproductive system remains a mystery to me. I will never know why it never happened, which can sometimes be tough, but it is something that I’ve accepted for what it is. And true to its nature, my reproductive system responded strangely again when I tried to “shut it down” with an IUD once we stopped trying to have a child. Instead of no longer having a monthly cycle with the IUD, my cycle became even more heavy and painful than normal. My uterus has been useless!
Many women and couples pursue medical interventions in their fertility journey, with the hope that something will work. I chose the opposite. I went with the “if it’s meant to happen, it will happen” approach…all the while knowing in my gut that it was unlikely to happen. I don’t regret my choices, and I’ve come to accept the outcomes.
I am now six years past letting go of trying to have children, and I look back on it now and truly believe that my unexplained infertility was biology’s, Mother Nature’s, or God’s way of saying: “nope, this is not for you. We’re saving you and your child from something truly awful.” At least that’s how I rationalize it in my mind, and I am comfortable with it. I’ll never know for sure, but it’s enough for me.
Robyn Jamieson-Voss
Photo by Louis Galvez on Unsplash