MJS
As a young woman who went through her teenage years in the 1970s it was perfectly normal for your parents to expect you to be married and raising a family by your early to mid-twenties. I even remember my dad telling me when I was about to take my exams in my last year of school not to worry too much because I’d be settling down in the next few years.
But I didn’t settle down, I decided to have a bit of a career first and by my early 30s I had furthered myself up the career ladder.
I had suffered with fibroids since my early twenties which had led to several small operations to remove them, inconvenient and painful but I was young and didn’t think much of it. The thought of having a family never crossed my mind.
At the age of 29, after 6 years of being in an abusive relationship, I got together with a guy I had know at work for about 3 years, he was 8 years older than me, but we got on great, I was in a happy place.
Age 35 at a routine appointment with my GP he advised me I would have to stop taking the pill because I had been on it for too many years. He explained that I couldn’t use a coil because of the fibroids and condoms may also aggravate the fibroids. Then he dropped the bombshell – if I wanted to have a baby I would be at 75% risk of losing it in the first trimester and it would be detrimental to my health, also there wouldn’t be a second opportunity to have another try. My only option would be to have a sterilisation.
My GP told me to discuss this with my partner, decide if I wanted to try for a baby and come back to him. In the meantime, I would not have any protection.
For the first time in my life, I had to think about whether I wanted a family, was I prepared to risk my own health to have a baby?
My partner’s said he wouldn’t want to see me go through the suffering of losing a baby and the risk of that happening was high.
After much discussion and deliberation, I decided to be sterilised and just before my 36th birthday had the surgery. In the day unit I was on a ward with 3 other ladies, all of them had children, one had 5! I asked the curtains to be pulled around my bed, I didn’t want to be involved in the conversation, I suddenly felt like a failure as I listened to them babbling on about the wonders of being a mother.
For years after we would always go to adult only holiday locations, avoiding the school holidays at all costs. I adapted to life without children and probably became quite selfish over the years because I could do what I wanted when I wanted to.
I have been judged, even by members of my own family who disapproved of the way I lived my carefree life. Little did they know how much of a failure I felt, watching my parents with their grandchildren, feeling left out of the family togetherness.
But there was one thing I never expected, I developed the most amazing relationship with my nieces, they would call me up and talk to me about anything knowing I wouldn’t judge them like their parents did, that I would listen like a friend and offer advise based on my own life experiences. They called me the coolest Auntie in the world, this gave me something to feel proud of and made me feel worthy. Even now as mothers themselves, they still call me up and ask my advice.
I am so worthy!!
