Lindsay
As a girl growing up, fairytales are promised. Be a good girl and the prince will come save you. You will get married, have children and be extremely happy.
I found out the hard way that life doesn’t work out like that.
This is my story
I was always told at a young age that you get married and have children. That was what was expected. I remember my mum making me watch at the window one day to see our neighbour across the street who was pregnant at 16. She said I better not be like her. Bad things would happen if I got pregnant at 16. I vowed not to be like my neighbour.
As a teenager, I started to get horrendous pain during my periods. Tampons were a no go. The pain was so bad that I feared even having intercourse. This was when my parents told me that a man would only stay with me if he could have sex. It was the most important part of being married. Not the love or respect or companionship but sex. The only sex that was portrayed to me was intercourse. They were my parents, so I believed in what they said. That thought process screwed up my emotional health for my 20s and 30s.
If I couldn’t have intercourse, then I couldn’t have a relationship; I was abnormal; I would be on the “shelf”; Why would anyone want me? I would die being eaten by cats or rats. The life my friends were having wasn’t on offer to me. I had to live through them instead as I wasn’t worthy. These were the thoughts that went round and round in my head in my 20s. I was supposed to be out having fun and enjoying my 20s but instead due to an undiagnosed tight pelvic floor/vaginismus I was left alone to my own negative thoughts.
My parents didn’t understand and kept making comments that they would love to be grandparents but it was my own choice. My own choice?! I was stuck in this nightmare feeling like less of a woman, unworthy of a relationship, let alone having children.
My family became so toxic in my late 20s that they took all their issues out on me. I was the family punchbag. And I took it. Until one day I didn’t. I broke. I had 2 choices and thankfully I took the therapy route. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of the other option.
Just by chance early on into a new relationship, I saw an article about how a women’s physio helped someone with vaginismus. Thankfully I found one in my area and booked an appointment. To say she was a miracle worker is an understatement. I finally found out it was down to the amount of chronic stress I carried around so long that it was stored in my pelvic muscles. I finally felt “normal” if there is such a thing. I felt a release. I wasn’t broken.
By the time we could try for a child I was hurtling towards menopause with every symptom on the list raging. Undiagnosed endometriosis pain and chronic migraines raged on. I was in a new fresh hell.
I am childless not by choice. I have come to terms with this and found a new purpose for my life. It wasn’t easy, but it’s possible to find a new path for your new chapter in your life and to feel worthy again. I will always have my wobbles but I know I will be ok.
Everyone’s purpose will be different and they will change as we get older. Currently my purpose is helping other non parent’s find a new path and purpose for their new chapter in life. I also volunteer as a school reader and a Guide Dog puppy raiser.
I am worthy
I am a woman
I am whole
I am messy
I am resilient
I am me
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
Veda Coda
Hi I’m Lindsay and I am CNBC. It’s taken a lot of years to be able to say CNBC out loud. See, wasn’t that scary after all. It’s no longer my identity and I am so much more than that. I found my worth and purpose in life and I want to help others in a similar position find their purpose and happiness.
It’s what we all deserve. I am a qualified, registered Cognitive Hypnotherapist and TFT practitioner. I work collaboratively in a non judgemental, safe and friendly environment.