I had this vision
That love would arrive
And bring with it the gift
Of other small lives
Together our world
Would open and grow
And there would be laughter and joy
From which memories could flow
But life isn’t fair
And love doesn’t guarantee
Any of the things
I thought there would be
Our attempts brought glimpses
Of the life I’d wanted so much
But those moments were fleeting
Wisps that I could barely touch
Instead our efforts were fruitless
And options were dire
While others might have pursued
We chose to retire
And though there was choice
And even some relief
I could not have imagined
The depths of my grief
It ebbs and flows,
in fits and starts
And every time I begin to heal
My heart tears newly apart
Every bedtime story
never to be read aloud
Every first step
for which I’ll never get to be proud
For every cuddle
that’s never going to be
And all those eyes I won’t dry
Over those skinned knees
All those precious moments -
The ones that never will
Fill the corners of my mind,
I conjure them at will
And some days there’s nothing else
But haunting wishes of other
Wishing for that life I planned
Where I could be a mother
Right now it’s so raw
And hard to reconcile
But in between the heartbreak
I make a point to smile
The world does keep on turning
And there are other things I’ll do
Deep down I know I’ll find my way
Even without you
M.S.