I was 42 years old, drinking alcohol to excess regularly, depressed and felt like my life was meaningless. I had not yet contemplated taking my own life but it was only matter of time. I had become a human doing machine, rather than a human being. Going through the motions of working daily as a social worker trying to help others and drinking a night.
My last shot at having a child was gone….he was a manipulative and jealous man but he wanted children badly and we did have the financial means. I knew it was possible that his nature would likely become worse and he might even become physically abusive but I just figured as long as I had my child…..the relationship ending through me into a tailspin…I drank more, isolated from family and friends. I would never have children…..the finality of that was incredibly painful and overwhelming…I always expected to have children. What did my life mean now? What did I have to live for? What was my purpose in life? Everyone in my life said, “don’t worry, you will find someone”; or “you are being too hard on the guys you meet and should loosen your standards”. I did feel like it was my fault….I didn’t look hard enough for the right guy, didn’t give guys enough of a chance. I only wanted to have children with a good man and loving partner and we could be a loving family….that was, until, my biological clock was at the end and I was completely desperate.
I felt depressed, angry…everyone had kids but me. Facebook was just flooded with pictures of everyone’s children, laughing, playing, birthday parties, vacations, graduations….and what did I have to show on Facebook…At family gatherings or girls get-togethers, the conversations centered around children, day care, birthdays, milestones achieved…I felt like an outsider, a lost soul, there was no way to participate…The only questions I was asked about was my work….was that all I had amounted to? Was my complete identity and worth about my work? UGH……No one understood, that was the hardest part….and I refused to talk about it because of the feedback that I might receive would be less than understanding…”oh you don’t know how lucky you are not to have kids”, “you will never have to worry about a child coming home late, or getting injured or sick”, “you are so lucky”…..I would have given my left arm to change a diaper…Did they understand what it would be like to never have the opportunity to see a child laugh, grow, take his/her first steps, look lovingly into my eyes, wrap her/his finger around mine, go to first day of school, come to me with a hurt knee from kickball, graduate from high school, marry his/her sweetheart, have grandchildren…..no they didn’t know and nor did they care to even imagine what that might be like…it would be impossible to imagine..
Then one day, a miracle happened….I found someone who understood….I was searching online and I found Jody Day….and she told my story, she felt my feelings, she understood the pain….it was an amazing relief to me, there were no words. And this is why I write to you today because of that understanding. I would get sober and I would start and stop reading Jody’s book, “Rocking the Life Unexpected, 12 weeks to your Plan B and fulfilling life without children” for a couple years until I finally decided to go meet her at a retreat.
This changed my life…to meet Jody and other women who felt the same as I was incredibly validating. Today, I no longer feel unseen and stuck and isolated on a regular basis. And when I do, I simply pick up the phone or email one of my childless friends and we commiserate. I am gradually sharing my experience with others. I am also working on finding a new purpose and ways to use my “mothering” attributes…my foster kitty gets a lot of love and so do my nephews….thank you for reading
Sincerely
Wendy A