“Rob, I brought my wife in today to speak to you”, a client of mine unexpectedly said as we finished our appointment. “She recently read your book and wanted to talk to you about it.”
I briefly thought this was wonderful. As a new author, I was thrilled that someone had not only read my book but shared it with someone else who now wanted to discuss it with me. I’m a lifelong triathlete, marathon swimmer and adventurer, and I’ve wanted to write a book about my adventures for many years. Yet, what started as a project to share my travels competing in endurance sports events and transitioning to becoming more of an adventurer than a competitor, unfolded into a story that weaves with my childlessness journey.
GIVING UP ON THE RACE TO BECOME A DAD
I had no intention of including my struggle with childlessness in my book. But as I wrote, I felt I couldn’t just write a book about the endurance challenges of my life. Increasingly I felt compelled to compare the goal of reaching the finish line and having a ‘never give up’ mentality with the adoption process my wife and I went through. I needed to articulate the struggle with that same mentality when it became apparent it was time to give up the ‘race’ to become a dad. Adoption had been the only feat of endurance to break me, and deciding to give up was utterly foreign to me as a triathlete.
So as I turned to my client’s wife, who didn’t strike me as an endurance sports enthusiast, I wondered what she might have to say about my book. Maybe it would be a comment about becoming a strong competitor in triathlon to take back control of my life as a teenager when my alcoholic father went completely off the rails. Perhaps she wanted to comment on the mindset and preparation it took to become the first person to swim 256 kilometres in New Zealand’s Clutha River. Needless to say, I wasn’t prepared for what came out of her mouth.
“Rob, I enjoyed your book,” she said, “but I think you would have had children if you’d accepted Jesus as your saviour.”
RELIGION SPECIFICATIONS IN ADOPTION
The only mention of religion I’d made in my book was in reference to choosing where we were eligible to adopt children from. In the complex web of intercountry adoption, some countries require couples to practice a specific religion. So, in my book, I mentioned that my wife and I did not practice a religion, which was a barrier to adoption from certain countries. I never elaborated on my experience with organised religion or my thoughts on the subject.
I was gobsmacked that this was the feedback I was getting; that someone I didn’t know went through the trouble of coming to my place of work, waited until the end of the appointment with her spouse, no longer in private, and thought it was then appropriate to tell me that Jesus could have made me a father. The thing is, plenty of decent Christians struggle with infertility, and many terrible people have no problem having children. I am not sure that any of it is ‘God’s Plan’.
KEEPING GOING IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY
Over the years of competing in endurance sports, learning to keep going in the face of adversity, and pressing forward when the mind tells me to stop, I’ve developed a particular skill set. When I encounter an upsetting situation, I’m generally pretty good at parking a negative thought and moving forward with what needs to be done.
I decided it wasn’t appropriate to respond with what immediately came to mind, especially in front of colleagues and my next client. Instead, I thanked her for reading my book and turned to my next client. It was not until the end of the workday, during my cycle commute home, did I begin to think of what had happened.
I come from a religious family. Though from a young age, it became obvious to my mother that taking me to church was more trouble than it was worth. I wanted to be skiing on Sunday morning, not going to church.
On one occasion, when reciting a prayer that said something to the effect of, “God, we are not worthy to pick up the crumbs underneath your table”, I began chattering to my mother while she tried to pray. I asked her why I couldn’t be skiing right now since I apparently wasn’t good enough for God and didn’t want to be in church anyway. From that point on, Mom decided that she’d rather have her prayer time without such disruption, and I happily skied or rode my bike on Sunday mornings.
RESILIENCE IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY
Despite not practising a religion, I have an interest in Biblical stories. In the last year or so, I’ve begun exploring the underlying messages of the Bible and other ancient stories. It has been enlightening to hear them explained from a psychological, rational perspective with reference to contemporary issues. I’d only ever heard the Bible stories told in a very shallow manner with no effort or attempt to delve deep into the meaning.
Having the story of Noah’s Ark explained in such a way was particularly valuable. All I’d ever heard was that God was mad at the world, except Noah, whom he instructed to build a boat and round up two of every animal. After the flood that killed everyone but Noah and his family, a rainbow followed, which was supposedly symbolic of God’s promise never to get so mad again that he’ll wipe out humanity.
I’ve recently read what I feel is a better interpretation of the story. The great flood was a metaphor for a catastrophic life event. The Ark is symbolic of how Noah had lived his life to cultivate the resilience to face whatever unpredictable, uncontrollable challenge life threw at him. When much of the world was metaphorically drowning around him, he had the resilience to protect himself and keep going in the face of overwhelming odds. The story makes much more sense to me when explained in this manner.
ACCEPTING CHILDLESSNESS AND THE UNKNOWN
Throughout my life, I have voluntarily chosen challenging circumstances, from long-distance triathlons to an unprecedented marathon swim in New Zealand’s mightiest river. The heart-wrenching circumstance of childlessness was extremely painful. I’d dreamed of teaching my kids how to swim and ride a bike and encouraging whatever hobby or passion they showed interest in. I struggled with accepting that I’d never be a father and my wife would never be a mother.
Merely weeks after we had to give up on adoption, I thought I could run the grief of childlessness out of my system in a 100 kilometre Ultramathon race. Instead, I found myself in an immobilised state of grief, unable to take another step at the 50 kilometre aid station. In the years that followed, I thought that with all the swimming, cycling and running I’d done, I had processed my childlessness grief. So, when I sat down to write my book, I thought, “I don’t need to write about it. I’m good now.” It turns out I did.
THE RESILIENCE TO CARRY FORWARD, DESPITE THE SCARS
Childlessness will always be a scar on my heart. There’s no doubt about that. Building up resilience doesn’t mean that certain words or situations no longer hurt me. When someone says something that could be labelled as ‘triggering’, such as a shallow religious comment, it can still be upsetting. But having resilience means that any negative thoughts I have in response don’t take hold for very long and certainly don’t distract me from working or ruin my day. Having resilience allows me to come to a rational and logical line of thinking more quickly.
The habit of putting myself in challenging situations and writing about how I think and feel helps me to orient myself to keep moving forward with my adventurous lifestyle, despite not being able to share it with children.
SWIMMING THROUGH THE OBSTACLES OF LIFE
To me, swimming in a river is a metaphor for life. There is no controlling it. life will always have rapids and rocks to dodge. There’s always the potential for danger. And there are sections of calm and even stagnant water. All you can do is develop a skill set to navigate all sections of the river, just like all the obstacles that life throws at us. I know that without the resilience I had built up, I would have drowned during my childless journey.
Rob Hutchings
