I love an oxymoron: where two opposing ideas come together to form a word or phrase. Life itself is full of oxymorons. Life is Bittersweet.
So, we come to World Childless Week. A focus on those who had longed to have children. They had envisioned a future which didn’t happen. Some are couples who remained hopelessly optimistic (oxymoron!) for years and eventually the hope grew grey hairs and quietly died. There are others for whom a medical diagnosis surgically removed that dream forever. Others never even got as far as trying to conceive. They are fertile, would love a life partner but are still single, their own hopes of ever having a family receding at every birthday. There is a myriad of other different scenarios – some have experienced the misery of miscarriage or failed infertility treatment. One in five women in the UK is involuntarily childless. Each one has her story.
Dear fellow Christians- that is one in five. Please look around, because these statistics represent real people in our congregations. And if they aren’t visible, that is a problem. If we care about being the inclusive church family that Christ calls us to be and we want to become, then we need to ask why can’t we see them? Where are they? Where are their voices? What are we missing?
An ageing UK church demographic means the focus is on reaching young families and shaping church activities to reflect that priority. All well and good. Children are precious. Parents need support. Who can argue with that? Yet, families are held as the default Christian ideal – the very definition of what it is to be blessed by God. (I heard that from the pulpit yesterday). However, the nuclear family absolutely does not have more intrinsic value than anyone else. This is not a zero-sum game -and every single part of the body of Christ is essential for the whole body to work properly.
If you are a pastor reading this then I know you will agree -that of course, everyone has equal value. I mean, how could you not agree? We all know that God’s family is not a biological one and it crosses blood lines. God sets the lonely in families, doesn’t he?
But I don’t think we think this through very well- there are certainly not too many sermons on childlessness, except the ones that end in miracles. Childlessness is described as a private sorrow lived in public. A grief that has no rite of passage and which renders the childless subject to conjecture in churches (I wonder what’s wrong with them?) judgment (she‘s a career woman), assumption (they don’t like kids) and the fumbling attempts to find a spiritual reason that helps us all feel better (it must be a lack of faith). Someone else’s unfixable pain is too much to deal with.
Please hear me, the childless are not one generic group who all look the same and feel things the same way. They are as individual as everyone else. They are growing, changing, learning, healing -and it all takes time. They do not want pity. If they are still around, they are probably doing what has now become second nature to them – smiling politely during all the pregnancy announcements, dedications, christenings, baby showers and all-age services. Blending in even when it hurts, trying not to be written off over-sensitive or making you walk on eggshells around them. Very often childless people work hard to cover their shame. Yes- shame! The shame of not having achieved that status of marriage and parenthood, a sign that they too were blessed, that their quiver is full. And to add to this, childlessness is a living loss- not just of what you don’t have but of what you will never have. It can be jolly hard work and quite lonely to boot.
You may be rolling your eyes or scratching your head thinking……what are we supposed to do? Why has everyone got a chip on their shoulder? Everyone has their struggles; don’t we just need to make the most of what we have? Excellent questions.
Here are some suggestions:
A basic practical word of advice: never ask someone you have just met ‘do you have children, ’or are you married?’ That might seem like a harmless conversation starter, but these are actually awkward -and even intrusive questions. They are also unnecessary. I find that if you start a conversation with anyone for the first time, they will naturally mention any children/grandchildren/spouses in the first five minutes. If they don’t mention them then you don’t need to dig. Someone suffering through childlessness often dreads this question because answering it opens them up to more questions which can spiral into more awkwardness. It can even put someone off staying for coffee after church.
(This one is for all of us whoever we are, but especially families). Intentionally get to know the people in your church who aren’t in your natural social group: all the people whose lives are different to yours. Try not to use your children as the constant topic of conversation. Build bridges of commonality that have nothing to do with your identity as a parent/wife/husband. Really get to know the other person over time, learn to ask good questions and listen well to what is said. Be prepared to be vulnerable and share your own life too. Does that feel like hard work? It is hard work, but I think that is what love looks like and what church family is supposed to be.
Remember that there is no simple piece of advice that will fix the emotional fall-out of childlessness. Do not try to inspire hope by telling a childless woman about how your friend/ cousin/colleague suddenly got pregnant at 45. Do not ask whether they have considered adoption. Do not share the prophetic dream you had about her conceiving twins. Please do not advise them to fast for 40 days or wear special knickers with a Bible verse on them.
Yes, Jesus is ultimately the answer to all of life’s sorrows, but that is a life-long journey of discovery, growth and healing. Yes, we sow in tears and reap with songs of joy- but that harvest takes time. There is no Bible verse that offers a quick fix. Telling someone that ‘God is in control’ is not helpful to someone who just stubbed their toe, never mind a person floundering in despair. Nor does it help assuring them that this is God’s plan. Anyway, how do you know what God’s plan is?
The fact is that disappointment, unfairness, grief and sorrow are the warp and weft of human life. Read the Psalms. Nowhere does scripture say that Christians are buffered from any of it. Jesus himself was a ‘man of sorrows and familiar with suffering’. God’s purpose for us is not that all our dreams come true. Let us be theologically sound. The whole oxymoron mix of life’s Bitter sweetness is going to continue until the day we die. Sometimes life doesn’t get better. We need then to bear the mystery of the unknowns and simply express these words in our actions and attitudes, ‘I am here, I see you, I will walk with you. I will help you carry this burden’.
Fear not-this is not a relational one-way street that will drain your joy and suck up your time. Authentic friendship will work both ways if you let it. Those without children in your midst are often the most consistent, reliable and selfless members of a community. Childlessness is a rich loss and one which yields a deep and compassionate wisdom for those who can navigate its rocky path and come out intact. You will discover that creating more space in your church community will prove to be a rich source of life and blessing. Let’s extend our horizons and use our imagination to see how we can level the ground and make sure everyone knows they belong.
Cath Swanson
Photo by Cristina Anne Costello on Unsplash