Online Friends are Real Friends

Katy Seppi

World Childless Week Ambassador

Last April, I brought together almost 100 people for the first ever, in-person Childless Collective Summit. In the months leading up to the event, I compulsively checked my inbox, scanning the details of each new registration that came through. I was excited to meet everyone, but felt a frenzied joy each time I saw a name I recognized. Joy, but also an increasing level of nervousness.

Because, while I’ve connected online with thousands of childless people over the past seven years, I’d only met three of them in-person. Yep, just three. And the thought of finally seeing so many friends in-person for the first time had my brain spiraling. Will they like me? Is it going to be awkward? Can I just run up and hug them or should I ask first? Am I going to be what they expect?

Prior to becoming childless, I’d never made friends online. I hadn’t needed to. But, when my fertility journey ended without a baby, a deep loneliness settled in and I was desperate to find someone to talk to who’d been through this. I started a blog and Instagram account, hoping that if I shared my story, we’d find each other - and we did! I could never have dreamed of the depth of connection and friendship I’ve experienced as a result. 

In the past seven years, I’ve hosted all kinds of events for the childless community. Book clubs, interviews, discussions, peer-support groups, cocktail hours, tea parties, film screenings, trivia nights, speed-friendings, craft meetups, and summits - all virtually. And what happens during these events is nothing short of magic. Stories are shared, grief is held, empathy is given, joy is celebrated, and seeds of friendship are planted. Some of the people I’ve met through these events or on Instagram have become my closest friends, yet we’d never met in-person.

The morning of the summit, I did my best to hide my nerves as guests started to arrive. It didn’t take long to see familiar faces, greeting me with huge smiles. My eyes filled with tears of joy as I embraced friend after friend. It didn’t take long to realize the bonds we’d made through years of online connection were real. Being with them felt easy and comfortable. I saw this echoed in interactions between other attendees too.  

I was so busy managing event logistics over the weekend that I didn’t get to spend much time with people individually. I grabbed quick chats, hugs and meals together where I could. There were lots of moments where I’d stop and look around and just wonder how this was possible. How were we all together for the weekend? It felt like a dream. If I ever find a magic wand, I’ll move everyone to the same city so we can always hang out like that. I already miss it. 

Until then, it’s comforting to know that my online friends are real friends. To be honest, I don’t know where I’d be without them. They’ve helped me move through the deepest layers of my childless grief and inspire me to find new forms of joy. I am surrounded by an entire community of support that I’d never be able to replicate offline. While I’d prefer to not have a screen between us, I’m grateful to live in a time where I can open my laptop and connect with thousands of people who understand what it’s like to be childless. I can hop on Instagram or Zoom and chat with a friend who will make me laugh from 4,000 miles away. 

Online friends are real friends.

Where to Start

A few years ago, I did a poll on Instagram and of the almost 400 childless people who responded: 94% said they felt lonely in their experience of being childless; and 63% said they don’t know another childless person they can talk to about their experience. The issue isn’t that we’re so rare that connecting is akin to finding a unicorn. We’re everywhere - in families, workplaces, churches, and communities. The issue is that it’s difficult to identify and connect with one another. If you’re interested in making friends with others who are childless, here are a few ideas to get you started. 

Online Connections

  • Explore the hashtags #childless #childlessnotbychoice and #embracingchildless on Instagram to find people who are posting about their experience. Most of the close childless friends I’ve made I initially met through Instagram. 

In Person Connections

  • If you’re interested in making local childless friends, Bumble BFF is the friend version of the dating app and can help you connect with people in your area. While it’s not specifically for people who are childless, there is a filter you can apply that will only show you profiles of people who don’t have kids. Of course that will also include people who may have kids in the future, but I’ve found it’s a great place to start. 

  • Attending local events, classes, or volunteering are also great ways to make new connections. Meetup is a great site to explore groups already meeting in your area. While you’re unlikely to find local events that are specifically for people without kids, chances are that some of the participants will be childless. I recommend finding events that are based on an interest or hobby you have so the experience is enjoyable whether or not you make lasting connections. I’ve been to cheese-making classes, tarot classes, moon circles, paint and sips, plant workshops, political advocacy meetups, and more. Not all resulted in new friendships, but some did, and I enjoyed them all. 

  • Consider your existing network. Take a few minutes and think about your extended family, co-workers, connections on social media, neighbors, people in your church or community groups - I’d bet some money that you already know someone (or multiple people) who are childless, you may have just never realized it. If a few names come to mind, consider gently and unobtrusively broaching the subject with them - maybe by sharing a bit about your own circumstances first. You may be surprised at the connections that follow. 

Final Thoughts

Let’s be honest, making and keeping friends as an adult is challenging, especially when you’re hoping to connect around something as personal as being childless. Online communities and events for people who are childless can remove some of the barriers, as everyone there has childlessness is common and they’re there because they’re craving connection too. While engaging through a screen may feel awkward at first, online forums, social media, and video calls are powerful tools for connecting with the very real people on the other end. When you find someone you click with and you both invest time and energy, it is possible for those online connections to grow into real, lasting friendships - regardless of whether you ever get to give them an in-person hug.

Online friends are real friends.