Karin Enfield-de Vries
World Childless Week Ambassador
At the age of 45, I’ve reached a significant milestone in my journey of life and healing. As a woman who is childless not by choice, my path has been uniquely shaped by the challenges and heartache of my past. My journey through grief began twelve years ago, when a cervical cancer diagnosis at the age of 33 irrevocably altered my dreams of motherhood. At that time, my husband and I were actively trying for a baby, hopeful and excited about the future. The diagnosis not only threatened my life but also shattered our hopes of becoming parents.
The years following my diagnosis were marked by intense grief, a deep sense of loss, and a painstaking process of healing. The dream of motherhood, once so vivid and tangible, became a lingering sorrow I had to learn to live with. I invested time and energy into my healing, seeking support, and finding solace in the company of others who understood this profound loss. Slowly, the rawness of my grief began to transform into a quieter, more manageable presence in my life.
Grief has been my companion for over a decade, a silent witness to my struggles and triumphs. It has shaped me, teaching me resilience and compassion, not only for myself but for others walking similar paths. As I grow older, I find myself facing a new chapter. The longing for motherhood, which once consumed my thoughts and aspirations, is no longer part of my daily thoughts and this shift brings with it a complex mix of acceptance and residual grief. The challenge now is to embrace life fully, seizing the opportunities and joys it offers, while still honouring the grief that has become a part of who I am.
One way to honour my losses is by creating rituals or practices that allow space for reflection and remembrance. This might involve setting aside time on significant dates to engage in activities that bring comfort and peace. Writing letters to my unborn child, journaling, or participating in support groups can also provide a sense of connection and continuity.
Being in my mid-forties, I am now starting to internalise that I am more than the sum of my grief. I am a woman with dreams, passions, and a vibrant life still to be lived. Embracing this stage of my life means identifying and pursuing what brings me joy and fulfillment.
Over the past decade, I have not only befriended my grief, I have also dedicated myself to supporting other women who are childless not by choice. Working with a global online network for the childless community for nearly 7 years, I’ve connected with countless women sharing similar struggles, fostering a community of understanding and empathy. This work inspired me to deepen my knowledge, leading me to earn a postgraduate degree in grief and loss counselling. Now, I run a private practice where I support women in navigating their grief, helping them find their own paths to healing and fulfillment.
Balancing the act of honouring my grief while embracing life requires mindfulness and intentionality. It’s about giving myself permission to feel the sorrow when it arises but not allowing it to dictate the entirety of my experience. It’s about recognizing that my life, though different from what I once envisioned, is still rich with potential and beauty. This wasn’t easy, in fact it was tough as I didn’t choose to not have children.
What has helped me to move forward and grow around my grief, and I am happy to share this with you, were the almost cliché-like questions and suggestions from therapists and the many self-help books I devoured. I have categorised some of those questions here below;
Rediscovering Passions:
What activities ignite my enthusiasm? What brings me energy and pleasure?
Whether it’s singing, painting, gardening, writing, or volunteering (or anything else), investing time in passions can bring a renewed sense of purpose and joy.
Building Connections:
Where can I find support? Who understands me and what I am going through?
Strengthening existing relationships and forging new ones enriched my life. Surrounding myself with supportive, loving people helps me stay connected and grounded.
Setting Goals:
What are my aspirations for the coming years? What do I want to get out of life?
Setting achievable, meaningful goals provided me with direction and a sense of accomplishment. It also broadened my knowledge and gave me a new purpose.
Self-Care and Wellness:
How can I take car of me? What is that I need to feel better?
Prioritizing my physical and mental health ensures that I have the energy and vitality to pursue my dreams. For me this involves spending time with friends, healthy eating, yoga practices and seeking therapy or counselling when I need it.
In sharing my story, I hope to inspire others who find themselves on similar paths. Life after loss is not only possible; it can be profound and fulfilling. I am a firm believer that we can all find ways to honour our grief while seizing the vibrant, unpredictable, and precious life that lies ahead.
As I am headed to my 46th birthday in December, I stand at a powerful juncture, a testament to the strength and resilience that has carried me through the darkest times. As I continue to navigate the complexities of being childless not by choice, I am committed to embracing life with passion and purpose. This journey is ongoing, and I am determined to honour my past while fully engaging with the present and future.
I am reminded that my worth is not defined by motherhood. My life has intrinsic value, shaped by my experiences, relationships, and contributions to the world.
Here’s to grabbing life by the balls and living it to the fullest, with all the love, grief, and joy it encompasses.
Big hugs,
Karin
