Juli Angelis
World Childless Week Ambassador
A single, childless, Christmas. For me personally, it’s developed over the years from a season of sadness, to a season of self-care (ok….sadness is still mixed in, that never really goes away). It’s still not my favourite time of the year, but over recent years it feels so much lighter….anyway, I’ll get back to that bit later, but first I’d like to share something with you that I wrote in my early 40s, when I was firmly in the midst of a season of sadness:
December 2018: Season of Sadness
As a “family person”, as an events organiser, as someone who loves decorating, who loves buying presents, who loves entertaining and cooking up a family feast - I never imagined Christmas would turn out to be such a painful time of year; in my 40s, I’ve finally found myself in the future I always dreaded. The single and childless one. The ‘odd one out’, even within my own family and friend circles. Even amongst my childless and partnered friends. Being both single and childless, social exclusion runs rife at this time of year, as you struggle to find your place in conversations around the Christmas table amongst your nearest and dearest, or in the workplace, where conversations are mostly centred around children, family, partners, or bonding over Christmas related parent or partnered stuff. Bearing witness to other people’s lives and feeling like an eternal outsider, you often remain quiet, shrouded in secretive silence, finding a suitable moment to try and slip away unnoticed…
Most nights around this time of year are spent alone in an empty flat, accompanied by the glow of fairy lights where Christmas stockings were meant to hang…and where presents were meant to lay, in empty spaces under the Christmas tree which we were meant to put up together. Empty shelves of non-existent Christmas cards from my childrens’ schoolfriends, and from non-existent brothers and sisters-in-laws remain bare. Empty spaces on windowsills where advent calendars were meant to stand, and where the annoying but obligatory elf on a shelf was meant to sit reflect the moonlight. It often takes a great effort to decorate an empty flat on your own year after year that no one will likely visit or see, but I try to do it all the same.
The pain - the grief - around this time of year can feel crushing. Being both single and childless in a pro-natalist world can be challenging at the best of times, but it really outshines itself during this festive family-filled season. The most wonderful time of the year. Some days it feels as if every breath is physically painful; like breathing in shards of icicles which pierce an already shattered heart. I’m barely able to speak at times, trying to stifle down sobs of intense sorrow. Of loneliness. Of shame. Of frustration and disbelief…this isn’t how it was meant to be, a little voice keeps whispering to me.
The layers of grief and trauma are many, and this rings ever true at Christmas, louder than any church bells on Christmas Day. Christmas brings its own suitcase of layers, including Christmas traditions or stories that go unshared with our own children….now simply ghosts of Christmas past, instead of being brought to life in the Christmas present and forming part of a Christmas future.
Watching and witnessing everyone taking the little things for granted that you always dreamt of doing at this time of year, can burn places deep in your soul that you never knew existed. It’s the small things…like choosing which advent calendars to buy, making mince pies for the school Christmas bazaar, queueing up for Santa’s grotto, watching Pixar films in Christmas pyjamas or writing a letter to Father Christmas. It’s the not partaking in shopping for Christmas stockings, not setting up a wonky family Christmas tree, not waking up on Christmas morning to see what “Santa” filled the matching stockings with. It’s the not going to the nativity play and feeling your heart fill with tenderness as you watch your child wriggling around in their oversized shepherd’s costume. It’s the not having a glass of wine and mince pie at the end while chatting to other parents and being part of a community (even though you might find them annoying, but being part of a community nonetheless). And children asides, it’s the not having a family of your own, even in the “two people is still a family” sense.
And the triggers…well the triggers are everywhere, ready to jump out at you from every corner. From going clothes shopping and coming across Santa’s grotto in the shopping centre, to flicking through TV channels and coming across the latest Christmas adverts or childhood classics such as “The Snowman”. Then there’s Christmas Eve, knowing that you’ll never have the task of leaving mince pies and brandy out for Santa….and then finally it’s the grand finale of waking up alone on Christmas morning to the absence of excited voices and weary eyes, eager to see what Santa has left in the night. Further compounded by scrolling through endless social media newsfeeds filled with other people’s family pictures…a bystander to everyone else’s Christmas memories in the making. On the outside, looking in, today more than ever.
“But that’s an idealised version of Christmas, having a family at Christmas can be stressful!”. Yes, but this isn’t about being ungrateful or not counting blessings. It’s not about feeling “jealous” either, as it’s often mistaken for. And it’s not about feeling “unfulfilled”. It’s quite simply….grief. Many of us who are childless are also fully aware that having a family is not perfect by any means, as many of us will have experienced our own childhood trauma or challenges growing up. And I’m sure for many of us, that’s why it can sting so hard; we’d at least like to have had the chance to recreate Christmas with a family of our own.
Once the 26th arrives, I can breathe a little lighter and think, Thank God it’s over. But then that little voice reappears and says, “Now it’s just New Year’s Eve to get through!”
So, this brings me back to today, December 2023. Every year since then became a little lighter, and I owe it to these six ‘Christmas Commandments’ I made for myself to reclaim Christmas (therapy also played a large part!).
December 2023: Season of Self-Care
New traditions: I started creating new traditions and rituals. However small. One of my festive traditions is to now create a ‘Cat-mas’ tree - a lovely cat-themed Christmas tree (I even found a cat fairy decoration for the top!). I also hang baubles that I’ve collected from my travels, to remind me of all the wonderful places I’ve been blessed enough to visit. This tree now symbolises things I’m grateful for, including my little fluffy companions!
No obligations: if I want to stay at home in pyjamas on Christmas day then so be it. I spent years trying to put on a brave face and bottling it all up inside, which only led to downward spirals and feeling even more alone. Whatever makes you feel okay and whatever you need to do to protect your mental health goes without saying. In recent years I’ll still see loved ones, but will organise alternative events I have control of myself, such as ‘canapes and cocktails’ at my place on Christmas Eve before everyone else goes for dinner.
Community & Connection: I don’t often feel social this time of year, but do make an effort to connect with other like minded people around this time – if not in person, then through community events, IG lives, online workshops, whatever.
Season of Self-Care: I’ve reframed and reclaimed this season as an opportunity to spend time on me. Life can be so hectic or we can let things slip. So this is the time I follow up all those bits and pieces, like doctors or dentist appointments. And throw in a bit of pampering and time for self-healing too, such as self-Reiki treatments.
Honouring my grief: Stifling it all down can sometimes result in an almighty explosion! I let it out now and then if I need to – but avoidance and distraction in abundance at this time of year are also permitted too! (and necessary).
Plans: I always make sure to create some plans or goals for the following year, however small…we deserve something to be excited about!
That’s it from me. If you got this far, thank you for reading. Wishing all a Peaceful Festive Break, wherever you may be and whatever your circumstances. We may feel alone at times, and especially at this time of year…but we are many!
