Anne Altamore
World Childless Week Ambassador
The end of year festive season is filled with the buzz of advertising to families. Print, TV, online – most seem to depict children and multi-generational joy.
So, what happens when one is faced with a life that does not include children, grandchildren, parents or grandparents? Looking at these words, it seems quite isolating and maybe even lonely, but I assure you it does not have to be so. Over the years, I have moved from sadness, to anger, to isolation, to now joy for the festive season and all that the end of year brings. Here are some of my thoughts on how our festive season has evolved over the years and is in fact now more peaceful than it has ever been. I hope it gives you some ideas on rewriting your narrative to create a festive season that brings you what you need.
In the early years of infertility and loss, we could “forget” about our childlessness by focusing on borrowed children – neighbors’, extended family, random children at volunteer charity events. The joy we got from interacting with these children and creating Xmas joy for them somewhat helped with the sadness of not having our own children.
As we got older and these children grew up, we started to focus on the elderly – parents and aunties in Aged Care and again random elderly at volunteer events. Once again, looking outward and vicarious joy through focus on others brought us some comfort.
However, we are now the elderly. Our social scene has changed. The past few years have seen the “borrowed” children grown up and busy with their own families and the elderly in our family have passed on. We are a bit tired by year end to volunteer and I also feel it is an opportunity for the younger ones to experience the joy of giving. Friends and family are busy with their grandchildren.
The complexity of what is family still rears its head every year. Complex emotions, a sense of loss and longing, and if I am completely honest, a tinge of anger that this is my childless life.
However, I decided long ago that resistance is futile, and I would not wallow but instead be pro-active in building #griefmuscles and toolkits for #thrivingnotmerelyexisting for all of my life not just festive seasons. As I am no longer religious, Christmas is not bound up by the traditions of the church. So for me, the process of re-storying end of year festivities started by asking myself what is the core value of this festive season to me. My reflections came up with peace, joy, love, and giving. Here are my thoughts on giving myself these gifts in the festive season gathered from almost a decade of re-storying my childless Christmas narrative.
Redefining my perceptions that two is still a family. When we left our families of origin to begin a life together, we in fact created a family. The two of us are a family and we can engage in the season by focusing on what is meaningful for us.
This has meant creating new traditions that honor us, our lives, interests, and ways we seek peace and connection.
Home décor.
A huge part of the festivities for a lot of people is decorating the home. I do not put up a Xmas tree because the dreams I once had of my children around a tree on Christmas eve is still too painful. So, I simply ignore Christmas trees and opt for other festive decorations instead.
a dining table that has angel candle holders or vases as centerpieces to signify the missing children
lots of bright colours because my life is colorful
a memorial table with candles and baubles to honor and remember those who aren’t here
a wreath on my door simply because I like the look of it
lots of lights to depict dispelling darkness and inviting light into my life
quirky nativity set with a vast variety of angels that tell different stories of meaning in my life from the angel with the shovel to the angel holding a teapot to the one holding a puppy.
There is always room at MY inn is my theme for Christmas. I have chosen to extend the meaning of family to show love by including those who may not have family or be estranged from their family of origin at our Christmas meal. This has been such a great way to fill our home with joy and laughter.
Giving back either financially or volunteering time by cooking meals at homeless shelters, children’s charities, or working on a helpline on Christmas day, so the yearlong volunteers with children can take the day off to spend with them.
Music appears to be another core feature of the festive season. I have a mixed relationship with Christmas carols. The endless chirpiness can get annoying, as can the songs about snow and Santa Claus. I grew up in the tropics and now live in Australia, so I have never seen snow at Christmas and a fat jolly man coming down nonexistent chimneys is quite meaningless.
Instead, every year, I try to find alternative songs about the festive season. For example, one year I found a CD with Aussie Christmas carols which sing about Santa in a rusty Holden ute. (There is a version on YouTube about Santa getting lost in Texas.) Or I may simply listen to classical music or nature sounds. Whatever brings me calm and joy is my festive season music.
Being selective in who I party with in the lead up to the big day. The invitations abound, and suddenly people I have not heard from all year feel a need to “catch up”. I used to say yes to every invitation because I quite like partying, but there was always the aftermath of conversations that trigger unwanted emotions to deal with. So now I am selective and choose who and when I say yes. This has meant a much more streamlined party season and also one that has been more uplifting and truly celebratory. Saying NO has also been empowering in putting myself first. #selfcareisnotselfish.
Choosing to be quiet and spending time alone if I feel like it. Sometimes, the last thing we feel like is “putting on a face”, so again I have learnt to empower myself by giving myself permission not to celebrate. This means never forgetting that this is only one day of the year and I can choose if I celebrate on the day, defer to when I have more energy, or simply ignore the festivities altogether and just treat it as another public holiday. My time, my choice.
The yuletide traditions of love, peace, joy, and giving also include loving yourself to create inner peace and joyfully giving yourself permission to do what you need to rest and recharge as needed without guilt or obligation.
Remember – this time of year is just one part of your whole year. Much like building physical muscles – you can use this time to build your grief muscles for the coming seasons by continuing to define and focus on the bonds that matter and engage in activities that nourish and strengthen you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Also, self-care is paramount at this time especially if you are childless not by choice following loss. Grief and joy can and do co-exist. And some years the balance may lean more towards one or the other. There is no right or wrong in how to feel or approach the season. If you struggle, can I encourage you to seek support from a therapist or link into a safe space with like-minded others.
Wishing you love and peace of the season
Anne
Photo by Susanne Jutzeler, suju-foto from Pexels