Stephanie Joy Phillips
World Childless Week Founder
Life has been busy of late! First there was World Childless Week 2024. Months of preparation, reading submissions and planning webinars that culminates in seven days of feeling relaxed but equally apprehensive. The worry of what could go wrong, dealing with hiccups quietly in the background and revelling in the joy of things all working out in the end.
In previous years during the week I’ve encountered problems joining my own webinars, had to schedule posts daily on Facebook when it decided more than one days prescheduled posts was more than enough, done a video from my hospital bed, attended a funeral and even had to chase a mouse around the house that the cats decided to bring in during a webinar.
The days that immediately follow World Childless Week can be exhausting and I need a few weeks to retreat to my cocoon and allow my body to slow down and heal.
But for the last two years I’ve had to look at that cocoon from afar and recharge my batteries to last for another seven days, because Storyhouse Childless took place a week after World Childless Week.
Whilst I was part of the focus group for 2023 I stepped down half way through the preparations for 2024 due to health issues. This meant I could sit back and relax as part of the audience. It was another weekend of mixed emotions listening to the discussions, meeting old friends and new. My stand out moments were: listening to Stella Duffy and recognising and connecting to so much of her story, watching the Open Mic session and feelings immersed and part of the community, and hugging, smiling, laughing and chatting with so many amazing people.
I was also inspired by the session “Benjamin Zephaniah: A Celebration”. Jessica Hepburn led the discussion, accompanied by Yvonne John, Robert Nurden and Rod Silvers. Alongside sharing what Benjamin meant to them all as individuals, Jessica had set them all up with a task. They were to write a poem that had a resemblance to “Childless” by Benjamin, and must finish with the same two final lines, “There must be a baby in there somewhere, There must be a baby in here”. Hear Benjamin reading his poem here (23:00 minutes in).
As they each took their turn to read their individual poems there was a stillness in the air and those final two lines hit with more impact every time they were read out loud. It was a powerful moment in time.
Last week I suddenly heard some words in my head and I scrambled to write them down. It was not planned and was totally unexpected, but I suddenly found myself writing my own poem based on Benjamin’s “Childless”.
Empty heart
Empty womb
A body that bled
But never achieved
What others find so easy
A body that failed, time and time again
A heart that cracked and cried
Arms that never rocked a baby to sleep
Stretch lines that don’t indicate a baby to keep
No two week wait
No twelve week scans
No bibs or bows
No cots or prams
I’ve never known a grief so deep
There must be a baby in there somewhere
There must be a baby in here
I rarely share my own words during World Childless Week and it’s not very often that I write a blog but I was compelled to share this poem with you. The words are personal and whilst they mean something to me they may have no relevance to anyone else. Whilst I often share how writing can be cathartic I think this is a reminder to myself that writing can be primarily for ourselves. It’s wonderful if our words resonate with someone else, but it is not a necessity.
We’ve all encountered people who don’t listen to what we are saying and refuse to see the truth in our words in order to follow their own agenda. It can be hurtful when they misinterpret or intentionally twist what we are saying, but it can also enlighten us to how their priorities don’t align with our own. Sometimes we walk away and sometimes we are pushed; and within that release there can be a new found freedom. Standing strong for our own believes and being transparent can bring unexpected friendships and strengthen bridges already in place.
Life is rarely smooth and often complicated, but we are stronger than we know and we can sit on that rollercoaster and ride it with a smile on our face.
Love & laughter
Steph x
