Anonymous
To “Someone,”
I can be blunt here, and I will not address you as “Dear” when I do not consider you to be such to me.
I did not ask to be born, but I was. My life has contained many occasions of emotional trauma inflicted by you in years past, which is why I don’t consider you a valuable asset in my life. I tolerate you.
You have not honored my trust. So many times I gave you chances and later came to regret that decision. I really wanted to feel loved and seen by you, only to hear you hold up my younger sisters as examples of who you thought I should emulate. They had your favor and approval, but I never did. Actually, you never gained enough of my respect that I wanted your approval.
If I ever envied other girls for any reason, it was how their dads did a better job with their God-given role than you did. I hated your schizophrenic behavior - temporarily earning my trust only to destroy it later. I hated that you were physically present but emotionally absent. I despised my own childhood desire to be a “Daddy’s Girl” because I came to understand I wasn’t precious to you, but my sisters were and are.
My heart began to heal when I was 19, and dismissed you from the “Daddy” role in my life, releasing you from all expectations. That is one of the best decisions I ever made, because I gave that role to God. He has always comforted and healed my hurting heart, reminded me over and over I am infinitely precious to Him, taught me that I can trust Him where I couldn’t trust you. God gave me to you so that you might show me a little of His character, but you ultimately failed where I am concerned.
I guess the desire for a good relationship with you is something I was born with, but I lost any hope I had for that possibility. You asked for my forgiveness before and got it, but afterwards you destroyed my trust repeatedly. So now I don’t value what you say.
I gave you opportunities to comfort me when I expressed my pain in two areas: infertility and widowhood. You were toxic in your responses to each area, and I regretted my choice to talk to you about them.
God ordained you to be my male parent, and you claim to be a Christian. Why, when I was grappling with accepting that God ordained me to be childless, were you jabbering away about nonsense that had nothing to do with accepting from God what He decided?
He is sovereign, not you. I can easily accept even difficult things from God’s hand because I know He loves me.
I enjoyed your absence at both of my weddings, and how you were excluded from both my romances. I felt like you deserved what you got in both situations because of how you destroyed my trust in the months prior. I already had God’s approval and did not need yours. I wanted you to understand that God wrote my romance, not you, and it’s Him I address as “Abba” not you.
Of course I wish you made better choices. Of course I understand that I never deserved the heartache you inflicted on me. Of course I know that my infertility is a blessing because I can’t pass along your faulty DNA or heartache or generational curses. But my sisters can and have.
Let’s define forgiveness. I can forgive your past errors WITHOUT your apology. I can forgive you WITHOUT trusting you. I can forgive you WITHOUT expecting you to be the Dad I need you to be to me. I can easily forgive you WITHOUT setting myself up for more disappointment. I can forgive you WITHOUT thinking you’re gonna be remorseful enough to change the way you talk to me. By all these definitions I forgive you.
So, if your line ends with me, I say, I will finish well, not being tangled up in the family curse of bitterness. I deserve to live my life as best as I can.
