Jay N.
To the ex who broke up with me because I couldn't have biological kids,
I began to dismiss my own wants and needs for you and I began to lose power over my own body. I wish you would have actually listened when I said I would never have biological children. I wish I would have said it with the confidence I knew I had. I wish you would have realized sooner that that was a big deal for you. I wish it didn't need to take drastic measures, like a hysterectomy, for you, or any man, to believe me when I say having kids is not in my future. Why is my word not worth enough to you?
I now carry an immense guilt and anxiety about talking to future partners about kids because of you. Sure, I know that if someone is right for me, they will respond with kindness and understanding. But that conversation isn’t something I take lightly and now there’s even more weight to it. I’m still learning how to let go of that weight.
Of course it makes me sad to know I will never share the experience of having children with my partner, but it makes me even more sad to know that someone who claimed they loved me couldn’t understand that our life could still be incredibly fulfilling in other ways. But maybe that wasn’t the problem, was it?
I will never again surrender myself or treat myself differently just because I will never have what you define as the "ideal family." I will remember that love, especially love for myself, is not conditional on my health or my choices surrounding that. I will choose people and invite people to be in my life that respect my decisions and love me for all that I am and not what I'm not or what I can provide them. I will choose people who have the same life goals as mine and believe THEM when they tell me or show me what they want.
I don’t need to be afraid of my future, whether that’s with a partner or not, because I know that everything that is meant for me is just waiting for me and I have the strength and gentleness to handle it.
Thank you for loving me the best you knew how but also thank you for letting me go.
