Anonymous
For a long time, I could only see what ‘The Person Who Hurt Me Most’ took from me, but over the years with the guidance of counsellors and healers I can see how the situation has also helped me become the strong resilient woman I am today.
The person who hurt me the most changed the course of my life forever, I was sexually abused from the age of 6 to 8. Every path I took or didn’t take, the abuse was there to challenge me – am I doing this because of that.
In my late 20’s, I fell in love with a work colleague, a woman. Firstly, I was grateful because I was never sure if I’d be able to love another human in an intimate way, or more importantly if anyone would be able to love me as I felt so unlovable, so damaged. The thoughts nagged at me though, am I in a relationship with a woman because I was abused as a child? Even to this day at age 55, I can’t give you an answer to that question, maybe too it doesn’t really matter.
Remembering back there was so much angst in those years, all the suffering held within, no-one knew my story, on the outside I looked happy and was able to give love so freely to my friends. On the inside however, the well of pain was growing.
I thought, if I am not sure of my sexuality, and ultimately my identity - if I feel damaged and not worthy, how can I possibly bring a child into my distorted view. In all of this confusion of heart and mind, I believed that I should never birth a child into this world. I felt I didn’t have the tools to be nurturing role model a child.
Over the years, I’ve found myself amidst the confusion and sadness, found the words to use to express my feelings and emotions. I have come a very long way, I see that and acknowledge that too. In hindsight, I believe that I would have been a great mother, whilst abuse takes away a lot of things, it also made me look at things from different perspectives – it has definitely given me a greater understanding on this journey that we call life.
However, the biological clock doesn’t wait for anyone. In this lifetime, I’ve missed my opportunity to birth my own children and that leaves within me a great big black hole, a void that will never be filled with the laughter of my own children.
A deep sadness that is very often triggered by ‘comments that hurt’.
The work I am doing with my counsellor is showing me that along with the sadness, other things such as joy, excitement and happiness can also be placed and found in my heart, making the darkness not so dark and the sadness not so sad.
It is also heart warming to know there is a tribe of women out there with a story of their own, a tribe of women making sense of their own pain and suffering.
We are certainly in it together, and that is a very wonderful heart warming feeling.
Photo by Sandra Seitamaa on Unsplash