”Who would I save them for!?”, I said - and immediately felt a wave of anxiety filling me. So there I sat, out in public in the pub, hyperventilating with tears running down my cheeks. All for the little comment, ”no, don’t throw them away!”.
It’s been a few years since that moment, and the prospect of leaving things behind has been a tricky question many times after that as well. Not so much the material stuff as the memories. Of me.
What will be left when I go? Who will remember me - know I existed? What is ”me” then, if there is no one who lives on as my follower(s)? What could there be, that would give my life that lingering meaning and purpose?
And yes - one could say that as a teacher I will have had an impact on my pupils. Or that I will be important to and remembered by my niece (and siblings, if they outlive me). And friends maybe. But for a long time that did not quite feel enough, also partly because many with children have that as well. (But I do know I am lucky to have them.)
Lately I’ve been asking myself the question what it is that I would like these someones to carry with them as a memory of me - and who they then might be? And slowly I’ve started to think that maybe the more important and valuable thing is what people see and think of me now. Who am I to people around me as a person while I’m here? And what kind of value and impact does that give them (that then also might linger on)?
I am me - so maybe the meaning of my life is just being me. And my best chance of doing that is while I am here. Showing up as myself, as authentically as I can (and know what that is). Constantly evolving. And just by being me, being here now, I inevitable will have had impact on others. Whether they know it or not. Some things in this world are as they are because I interacted with it and in it. Small, maybe, but still leaving it’s marks.
Right now I can feel that it’s enough that I am. That I’m me, that I´m here. Once I’m not I’m not, and do no longer care what’s around of what I was. (I think.) So I am working on just being me now. (And learning what that is.)
And I do know that feeling might (and probably will) change as I grow older.
But for now I will focus on being.
Katja Helenelund
Photo credit; Miika Rautiainen