I’ve always had a fascination with genealogy as the result of growing up far from grandparents, cousins and extended family. I remember regular visits during my childhood to family in Singapore and Malaysia. In addition to India and South East Asia, my global extended family can be found in Australia, New Zealand, the US, the UK, Japan, Colombia, Brazil and South Africa.
During my twenties, I never doubted that I would one day add my branch on both sides of the family tree. In my late thirties, I was faced with continued cultural pressure to “get married and have a child before it’s too late”. When I finally did meet the right person when I turned 40, it was unfortunately too late as my body did not comply with my long overdue plans. In 2015, my husband and I reached the end of our infertility rollercoaster and that’s when I realised that my branch of the family tree would just end up withering away.
As my brother is also childless by circumstances, I also have no nieces or nephews of my own to include in my will. On my father’s side amongst my first cousins, there are only two cousins who have kids, one passed away in 2010 and the remaining three of us are childless. On my mother’s side, my brother and I have 16 first cousins, all of whom have at least one child apart from one who is childfree by choice. Then when I look at my husband’s family, I am the only woman in the family who is childless. Needless to say, I often feel left out with the combination of my skin colour (as the only non-white woman) and no (two-legged) child to talk about. I am often overwhelmed by the legacy of parenthood when they talk about their kids growing up and moving through the various stages of life.
I recently started watching a show called Upload on Amazon Prime based on the premise of being able to live a great “after life”by having your consciousness uploaded into a virtual world. One particular episode really hit home when the family and friends of the main character were struggling to remember what his legacy was. I remember thinking “how would people remember me other than being childless and a woman of colour”?
I had always imagined that I’d have a child whom I could pass on my skills and passion for languages, cooking, music, reading, travel, science, geography, sports etc. I look around my home filled with books, music, movies, recipe binders, travel souvenirs, my love of colourful jewellery, photos and other mementos……..and wonder who will I leave this all to? Who will appreciate them?
If I pass these things onto friends who have kids, will those kids know the joy I felt when I read a new book or listened to new music? Who will I tell my wonderful travel stories and will they remember them?
Who will understand that all of these things and experiences I’ve worked hard for are what makes me who I am?
I dreamt of teaching my child to speak Bahasa Melayu (my second language from my childhood in South East Asia). Perhaps my legacy can be passing on my knowledge by teaching conversational language to people wanting to travel to those parts of South East Asia that speak Bahasa (Brunei/Singapore/Malaysia/Indonesia).
I love cooking so maybe I could teach people new migrants to embrace different cuisines or maybe introduce new flavours to their food.
I’ve been looking into leaving my money to causes that are important to me as they help so many vulnerable people such as Guide Dogs Victoria, Assistance Dogs Australia, Cancer Council Victoria and the Asylum Seeker Resource Centre.
Since I first accepted being #childlessnotbychoicejust before the inaugural World Childless Week, my courage and passion to create something tangible for our global childless community has continued to grow. I have a long list of ideas that includes changing the way society regards us both socially as well as in the workplace.
I am working with other childless people to look into options for Australians who are getting older so that we can start planning for what our ageing years look like. I shared a few of my ideasin my 2020 submission. I don’t know if they will come to fruition but I plan to give it my best shot!
I hope that my legacy of #RedefiningmyPlanA can help other people know that there are many ways to find joy in life as a person that are irrespective of your reproductive capabilities. As a #childlesswomanofcolour, I believe that I can contribute to a future that bring joy, knowledge, safety and welfare to others.
Liz C
Image by OneSideProFoto on Shutterstock