40 years ago I was getting ready to marry my first husband. We had such dreams, children, houses and of course grandchildren. Sadly children never materialised. The doctors could find no reason why I could not conceive. My husband had some issues so we tried insemination by donor privately 5 times with no success.
The marriage ran its course, he had an affair and we divorced after 13 years. I had a breakdown and it was tough. I came out of this nightmare and learned to live on my own. I considered further artificial insemination but as I could not be certain of success I didn’t feel mentally able to progress that.
Some 8 years later the decision was made to sell where I worked and it was closed. As I faced an uncertain future a friend I worked with approached me, asked me out, and 18 months later we were married. I was overjoyed – this man was a keeper. He adored me; he told me he loved me constantly. We had a dream wedding and honeymoon. We explored the child issue – but when I was told I was too old and too fat for IVF we realised that we had to accept that we would not be fortunate. My sister had 2 children a short time after that, and I relished being an aunt.
It wasn’t until I reached menopause that I began to mourn for the grandchildren I would never have. I then lost my parents within 4 years of each other. My heart was so sad, and my husband no longer had a good relationship with my sister, although he adored his nieces. My health was also deteriorating – I had angina and arthritis.
Then, the final blow. My husband had an affair when I was 61 and soon after that moved in with the lady. There is a lot more to that such as being asked to change in ways he knew I could not but I think it mainly was that he is 10 years younger than me and my declining health was becoming an issue.
And now I am being made redundant. I can’t even blame Covid as this was decided before then.
I now face a childless, grandchild less, single retirement, required to move out of my family home by the time I am 66 and having to move away as I will not have enough funds to remain in my area. At the same time my sister is marrying an American and moving to Arkansas. My relationship with my nieces is as you would expect with 2 ladies in their early 20’s!! Aged aunts come well down on the list, and I accept that. They know where I am.
Despite 2 failed marriages and the sense of failure I feel about that, my deepest heartbreak is not only that I was unable to bear children but that the doctors could find no reason. Even harder when I found out that all my first husband needed was a small operation when he remarried and now has 2 children.
I am scared of living alone as I age; of things that could happen and no one would know. I see friends on social media who are now grandparents and they have the security of knowing they have people who will always be there for them, and it seems have discovered a love they didn’t know existed.
I see no future ahead but one thing I discovered when I had my breakdown is that I am strong and I will carry on. It’s terrifying learning to be alone with no one to rely on, but I am not the first. The saddest thing is that I will never be able to trust a man again and that secures my lonely life.
I will never, though, recover from being childless. It is a life sentence. Having children is genetically engineered into our make-up and not being able to fulfil that is devastating. You spend your life mourning and that never stops.
Mandles