I had always thought that having children would happen to me as it happened to all my long term friends. Getting married, buying a house and then having a baby: I somehow thought that would all happen to me.
It didn’t happen. Fertility specialists couldn’t find any reason why I wasn’t conceiving.
I am 44, almost 45, living in Australia having migrated from Japan 17 years ago. Married to an Australian husband, who I met in Japan.
After migrating to Australia in my late 20s, I put a lot of effort into building my life in a new country from scratch including building a career and creating a social circle. Throughout my thirties, one by one my friends started having babies. From friends in Japan to friends in Australia and all of my long term friends, they all ended up having children.
In my late thirties, as I was so occupied with the idea of trying to have kids and feeling jealous of my friends who had young children, I pretty much cut myself off from my friends’ circle. I was increasingly feeling lonely, and probably angry wondering why “only” I am not able to have kids. At the same time, I started losing interest in my career as well. My brain and heart were starting to fill up with the ideas of ‘What’s the point of living from now on if I’m not raising my kids.?’ ‘What should I look forward to?’ .
Around that time I stumbled across World Childess week through my desperate internet search of trying to find others in the same situation as me. There I learnt about the book by Jody Day - ‘Living the Life Unexpected’ and ordered it straight away. Through the book I discovered that all of my ugly, sad, angry feelings were pretty normal. I also learnt that totally losing interest and motivation was pretty normal when you are experiencing grief.
Realising the significance of the grief that I was going through, as well as learning that what I was going through was not unique or strange was the first step of finding acceptance of my situation.
I still have fears. My three biggest fears are; being lonely, not having enough money to look after myself, and losing the ability to speak English when I get older. If something happens to my husband, I won’t have any immediate family in this country.
Somedays I feel pretty optimistic, but other days these fears fill up my heart. However these days, I feel that I’d like to contribute to creating support networks so that people feel less lonely. As an animal lover, these networks may include support for elderly people to keep their pets. This goal will be one of my Plan Bs
As a first step, I’m submitting this article. Hoping that someone, somewhere in the world may feel less lonely by reading this.
Kanako